Some Traditions Need An Expiration Date......

Traditions... Now while that word might have a nice ring to it and starting something with lasting memories that the whole family can enjoy---- the whole family doesn't REALLY enjoy it.  It's mostly for that one person who says, "Gotta keep up with tradition!!"  

We were so cute then!
What the flip happened to us?

With that being said, let's talk about one tradition we had growing up, which was the "Stand in line for endless hours to take pictures with Santa" tradition.  From the first Christmas I ever had my mother had me sit on Saint Nick's lap for a picture with the jolly fat man. Seems simple enough-- BUT--We stopped this madness when I was 30...............30!!!! And it wasn't just me, it was me AND my brother who is 5 years older then me...... And started balding when he was 17.

Anyways, the pictures would go as follows... There would be one of me, one of my brother, then one of the both of us. The older we got the more "elated" we became cuddling up with a stranger who had a fake beard, was sweating from the immense heat the suit gave off and smelled a little like tears of fear aaand possibly urine... Standing in line with tons of screaming children for hours is JUST how I was hoping to spend my mall time during the holiday season once I was old enough to learn the value of shopping until I couldn't carry any more. 

There is one year that sticks out in my mind above all the rest.  I was 17 and sitting down for my annual picture.   My brother was waiting for me to take my picture and my mother was discussing the details of exactly what she wanted with the elves at the desk. This particular year Santa was EXTRA "special"...

Creepy Santa with his leg all up in my space
and me not sure how to handle it.

As usual.. I had gone up to greet Santa first. While everyone was preparing for the shot of a lifetime, the usual question rolled off his tongue...

"Have you been naughty or nice this year little girl?"

Now, before I could say a word, Santa slipped his arm around me, hugged up creepily close and whispered,

"You know, when you get older, sometimes it is better to be naughty then nice."

................................Wait................ What???

Did Santa really just say that to me?!  I was completely shocked by the ballsy statement Santa so proudly whispered in my ear.. Then SNAP the picture was done. His hand on his jingle bells and all....

Oh my! You can totally see the shock in my face as I realize that the man who is supposed to be as wholesome as Jesus, all of a sudden became the guy who was probably out back, on his break, puffing on a pipe filled with his drug of choice and swigging off the flask of liquor before he gets back to the young girls. I can't help but think of the movie Bad Santa and wonder if he would have been cast as the lead.

Sooooo.... Yeaaaah.... It was definitely an experience that I quite frequently giggle about and I wouldn't be here telling this story today had someone not suggested we carry on with a tradition that probably went on a teeny bit too long. None the less, we have passed this tradition down to my children.  And we will continue to do it until they are old enough to say they don't want to do it anymore-- then we'll find something new to start.

BUT you can gaur-on-TEE, as long as we continue it, I will be right there, by their side... Letting Santa know that he better watch out because Mama will find out if he has been naughty or nice and I will not hesitate to TAKE HIM DOWN if he is a creeper in any fashion with my babies!!! Not on my watch sir!!!! Not. On. My. Watch.


Finally-- I jut want to say--
HAPPY HOLIDAY, MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKA, ENJOY WHATEVER IT IS YOU CELEBRATE (OR DON'T CELEBRATE.. I DON'T CARE-- IT'S YOUR LIFE TO LIVE AS YOU PLEASE) AND HAVE A FABULOUS NEW YEAR!!!!!!

P.S... I was going to put my final picture with Santa here... But it looks like someone puked on Santa's bear over last few years, so I'll just leave well enough alone.

Shots (and not the fun kind), Shiny Stuff and Almost Losing My Shizzle: A Story of Survival as a Single Mom

Once you become a single mother.. Life takes on a bit of a different twist.  Things you used to do as a couple, you know have to figure out how to do on your own.  Now, this can go one of two ways for you.  You can either step up and take responsibility for you, your kids' lives, and some sort of manageable relationship with the father (provided he's not a psycho killer and in prison for life or some shit like that).... Or, you can let everything and everyone else take the blame for your current situation and crumble into pieces when the slightest wind blows against you.

With neighbor and friend's kids over often, 
my house looked like this...
Only I wasn't crazy enough to get pregnant again.

Now.. With that being said, I have-- at some point-- chosen both roads.  Considering I was already on the road that allowed me to place blame everywhere but in my own hands while I was married, it took quite a while of being single to change that.  I didn't take care of things that should have been taken care of and looked for reasons to blame someone else (mostly baby daddy) for the reason I had to handle a certain situation.  My house was a mess, my finances were out of control, and my kids were not what you would have called angels at that time.

I was trying to think the other day of the first situation as a single parent that I really got knocked back a bit, and this one memory came rushing up like bad shellfish....  The good thing now though is that every time I tell this story, it makes me laugh until my belly aches.  None of us are what we were then and there's no other way to look at your past than with a smile, right?

So, this particular instance happens to be the day I had to take my daughter, who would be heading off to Pre-K soon, to get her shots updated.  Brianna was 4 and I... well... I was way behind on doctor's visits for shots.  No biggie, we'll just get her all caught up and we're good to GO! Well, let me tell you.... If you are low income, such as I was, and you need a way to get free shots for your kids.  Be prepared to wait in lines that you can only compare to Justin Bieber manning a kissing booth at a tween convention.  It is a freakin' mad house and there is a line literally wrapped around the school parking lot--- twice.

I'm tellin' you this line was SO long that they had clowns and people walking around giving out bottles of water and snacks.  The water was greatly appreciated but the clowns and the popping balloon animals that left the little ones screaming, we could have done without. Also--mind you, this is Texas and it was mid-July.  It was hotter than HELL outside. We were melting out there and patience between a mother and a child ran very thin!!!

To top it off with my new found singledom.... Brianna and I did not venture this alone.. no sir!  We had 2 year old Ethan in tow.  Now-- boys, they like to move.  And let me tell you what-- that boy has never been still a day in his life.  Luckily this has him crashing out the second his head hits the pillow but as a newly single mom with no patience, no proper guidance and no plan-- this can drive you completely mad until you finally get a grip on things.

So, this is just the start of the insanity. We were in this line for about 4 hours when we finally got to a table. FOUR hours.... The first table we sat at, I produced my pitiful excuse of a shot record to the lady.....

Now, B, as we like to call her, is an amazing child. She will really think about the benefits of the things you are giving to her if you explain it to her in a way that she knows this is good for her.  She was prepared!  "Mom!  I can take this. It's just a shot, right? I got this!!"  My baby is a trooper!!

So as we sat down the woman looks at this record and reveals that I was-- not 1.. Not 2.. But 5 shots behind.  And the reality sunk in for her.  This. Was. Going. To. Be. UGLY.

He's a colossal 2 and she just turned 5 here..
Not easy to hold on to at the time.
Plus it is almost x-mas... So yeah....

Now, not only is SHE attempting to escape the building at the nearest exit-- But The E-man.  My ginormous bundle of joy.. (10lbs 7ozs at birth... I swear I birthed a 3 month old) sees a WHOLE lot of shiny shit. He is ready to be on the MOVE and everything WILL go directly into his ever drooling mouth.

So picture this... I am in a chair.  My right arm has a firm grip around Brianna's little body, where I can practically hear the needle scraping on bone because she is desperately trying to free herself from the terror that is steadily coming her way. My left hand is firmly attached to the boy's left ankle, because at this point, he is squirming around and belly flopping on the floor hoping the next move will free him and his mouth will be full of shiny, kill you dead, objects that are on the opposite side of the cafeteria.

It was a nightmare.. I was, literally, being pulled in 2 different directions-- and by this time-- all THREE of us were crying.  I looked desperately around the room at the hundreds of women staring at me in amusement. Sort of like, "Poor girl!  Glad it isn't me!"  I was at the point that if some random stranger came up to me and asked for my son-- I was going to give him to them and not look back.

And then it happened.  An angel stepped out of all these people staring at the 3 ring circus I had going on and offered to take my son.  She said, "Please... let me help you!  Let me hold your son for you!" -- By this point, I wasn't just crying-- I was bawling.  Brianna and I both-- like big ol' titty babies and I wasn't sure if we could survive the entire ordeal.

This woman saved our lives!  I don't know that we would have made it through the day.  I would have eventually had to release him and just hope that one of the surrounding nurses stopped him from drinking all the cocktails that they call immunizations.  The boy did down a bottle of scented bubbles shortly after at Brianna's 5th birthday party and promptly hurled all over the bouncy house as little girls came screaming out, so it would have been possible! And believe me-- we never purchased scented bubbles again...

But without this woman who stepped out from all the rest to assist me from going completely mad, I might have lost my shit.. well more then I already had.  I would have wondered where I was going to muster up the strength to go on doing every day things like this.  Doctor visits, meetings with teachers, going to the movies, the park, the store-- all of it had become a struggle. Sometimes just being home alone with them was more of a struggle than I would have ever admitted at the time because I absolutely preferred to struggle in silence.

We drive each other crazy sometimes

There really is little time that this woman's kindness is far from mind.  When I see a struggling parent, I do my best to help in any way I can-- Even if it's just making them laugh and reminding them that they are not alone.  When I see these kids screaming down the aisle and a parent who is about to unravel, I have been known to put my hand on their shoulder and tell them--- "Don't worry.... I lived through the insanity too...."

But we enjoy the crazies now :)