Today I Broke Up With My Nervous Break Down

Two more days.... Two more stinking days and I will be on a plane-- flying out to Colombia.  What most people don't know about me is that I've allowed flying to cause SEVER anxiety in my past.  Let's put it this way-- the last time I flew was in '06 and I went to Indiana.  From the time I got out of the car to the the time I boarded the plane, I lost my ticket 3 times.  Not once, not twice but THREE!

The first time, I ran in to the bathroom, riddled with fear, and I set all my luggage on the shelf behind the toilet.  What I failed to remember is that I left my boarding pass and drivers license up there as well.  When I pulled down my luggage, my boarding pass and id flew to the ground, unbeknownst to me.

As I'm watching my hands, I hear this soft, sweet, foreign voice, "Ma'am.. I believe you dropped your boarding pass."  I thanked her graciously and realized almost immediately that I did not have
my drivers license either... I crawled around the floor of that bathroom for 15 freaking minutes before I came to the realization that my foreign boarding pass angel was also a dirty, stinkin', licence thief. But that was after I had grabbed all of my things off the changing table-- walking out to find her in the hallway and leaving my pass behind once more.

After that, I came to the realization that I need to sit and chill for a bit... Collect my thoughts and stop freaking out so bad.  So I sat down with my carry on and my book.  After a bit I decided to get up to find out what the hell I was going to do with out my license.  I'd searched through everything as I was seated there and it was nowhere to be found.  I take about 30 steps and think to myself, "Uhhh.. where is my ticket??"  Of course-- I look back-- the book I had stuck it in was laying face down on the floor with the ticket falling out.  Yup!  That would be the THIRD time I lost that puppy.

Obviously, I survived the flight there.. I never died once while in Indiana and even though I had to go through bomb testing like I was a suspected terrorist to come home-- I made it home fully alive.  I had previous flights that had me on edge the whole way there-- or drunk the whole time so I didn't have to think about it.

So,  as this trip is nearing--  For the past few days-- I've been on "freak out mode"...  My heart has been heavily palpating, I've been short of breath and a little dizzy. I have been feeding the MESS out of my fears and I decided it was time to put a stop to it a few hours ago. It was like night and day when I chose to feed the "HOLY CRAP this is AWESOME!!" possibilities instead of the "How many ways can I die on this trip?" possibilities. 

The realization that I had to make it stop came to me as I was at a friend's house earlier... I was telling him how I was really anxious and all the fabulous symptoms I was having.  Of course, he did what any good friend would do and offered me a Xanex.  I politely declined. (I took 1/4 of one when I was having a nervous break down after my ex and I split.. .It was not pretty.. I couldn't even keep my eyes open the next day.. I would rather not experience that while I'm supposed to be on point).  

He said to me-- "This is what they were made for!!  To treat the symptoms of what you're going through.."  But I said-- "But I am the one creating these symptoms and I want to be the one to overcome them."    I left without the offered help but still with my heart racing like I'd just spun my little heart out for the last 20 minutes.. Minus all the awesome sweat that comes with it.

So I thought to myself as I was driving home.  "WHY?? Why are you so afraid??!!"  And it only took a matter of seconds to realize exactly why.  My thoughts were in the mindset that I was the same scared, clumsy and irresponsible person that had lost their ticket time and time again... Or the same person that had to drink enough to not remember the flight.  

But I'm not that person.  I'm the person who is on time, on point, clear headed, ready for action and even though I'm still a little scared about going into a country where I speak very little of the language-- all by myself-- (well until I meet up with some people)-- I'm started that very moment to look my fears in the face and say.... 

"Everything will be ok.  You will not die, You have so much left to live for--I mean-- you're not cashing out until you're like 103.  Your kids will be well taken care of while you are gone.  You are taking this trip because you deserve it and it was given to you for the same reason.  You are strong!  You are smart!  You will be FINE.  Not only fine but you will be FABULOUS because that is all you ever are!!  YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF HOW YOU FEEL! Yes-- you are scared but overcoming this fear will make you stronger than you can ever imagine.  This is how you lived your life before you felt this way and this is how you will continue to live it.  You are going to ROCK Colombia!!"

It may not have been in that order and I think I left out some of my self talk-- that I had out loud in the car on my drive home.... But the heart palpitations stopped.  Right then and there.  There was an ease that came over me that I hadn't experienced in days.  The switch was flipped because my mind was now on the right track.  I realized, for the first time in my life-- this fear was there to wake me UP not shut me down.

So-- just a few more day.. I'm starting to pack today. I've taken advice from everyone I know.  I've learned that I didn't have to fill up all the tiny bottles with liquid if I don't intend to have them in my carry on, the size of my carry on but most of all that I am control of myself, my thoughts and my ability to overcome anything I put my mind to!

So adios amigos!!  Hasta luego and all that other jazz I'm going to have to learn in a Spanish crash course on the plane... Maaaybe the wrong term to use there but you get me :)