Some Traditions Need An Expiration Date......

Traditions... Now while that word might have a nice ring to it and starting something with lasting memories that the whole family can enjoy---- the whole family doesn't REALLY enjoy it.  It's mostly for that one person who says, "Gotta keep up with tradition!!"  

We were so cute then!
What the flip happened to us?

With that being said, let's talk about one tradition we had growing up, which was the "Stand in line for endless hours to take pictures with Santa" tradition.  From the first Christmas I ever had my mother had me sit on Saint Nick's lap for a picture with the jolly fat man. Seems simple enough-- BUT--We stopped this madness when I was 30...............30!!!! And it wasn't just me, it was me AND my brother who is 5 years older then me...... And started balding when he was 17.

Anyways, the pictures would go as follows... There would be one of me, one of my brother, then one of the both of us. The older we got the more "elated" we became cuddling up with a stranger who had a fake beard, was sweating from the immense heat the suit gave off and smelled a little like tears of fear aaand possibly urine... Standing in line with tons of screaming children for hours is JUST how I was hoping to spend my mall time during the holiday season once I was old enough to learn the value of shopping until I couldn't carry any more. 

There is one year that sticks out in my mind above all the rest.  I was 17 and sitting down for my annual picture.   My brother was waiting for me to take my picture and my mother was discussing the details of exactly what she wanted with the elves at the desk. This particular year Santa was EXTRA "special"...

Creepy Santa with his leg all up in my space
and me not sure how to handle it.

As usual.. I had gone up to greet Santa first. While everyone was preparing for the shot of a lifetime, the usual question rolled off his tongue...

"Have you been naughty or nice this year little girl?"

Now, before I could say a word, Santa slipped his arm around me, hugged up creepily close and whispered,

"You know, when you get older, sometimes it is better to be naughty then nice."

................................Wait................ What???

Did Santa really just say that to me?!  I was completely shocked by the ballsy statement Santa so proudly whispered in my ear.. Then SNAP the picture was done. His hand on his jingle bells and all....

Oh my! You can totally see the shock in my face as I realize that the man who is supposed to be as wholesome as Jesus, all of a sudden became the guy who was probably out back, on his break, puffing on a pipe filled with his drug of choice and swigging off the flask of liquor before he gets back to the young girls. I can't help but think of the movie Bad Santa and wonder if he would have been cast as the lead.

Sooooo.... Yeaaaah.... It was definitely an experience that I quite frequently giggle about and I wouldn't be here telling this story today had someone not suggested we carry on with a tradition that probably went on a teeny bit too long. None the less, we have passed this tradition down to my children.  And we will continue to do it until they are old enough to say they don't want to do it anymore-- then we'll find something new to start.

BUT you can gaur-on-TEE, as long as we continue it, I will be right there, by their side... Letting Santa know that he better watch out because Mama will find out if he has been naughty or nice and I will not hesitate to TAKE HIM DOWN if he is a creeper in any fashion with my babies!!! Not on my watch sir!!!! Not. On. My. Watch.


Finally-- I jut want to say--
HAPPY HOLIDAY, MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKA, ENJOY WHATEVER IT IS YOU CELEBRATE (OR DON'T CELEBRATE.. I DON'T CARE-- IT'S YOUR LIFE TO LIVE AS YOU PLEASE) AND HAVE A FABULOUS NEW YEAR!!!!!!

P.S... I was going to put my final picture with Santa here... But it looks like someone puked on Santa's bear over last few years, so I'll just leave well enough alone.

Shots (and not the fun kind), Shiny Stuff and Almost Losing My Shizzle: A Story of Survival as a Single Mom

Once you become a single mother.. Life takes on a bit of a different twist.  Things you used to do as a couple, you know have to figure out how to do on your own.  Now, this can go one of two ways for you.  You can either step up and take responsibility for you, your kids' lives, and some sort of manageable relationship with the father (provided he's not a psycho killer and in prison for life or some shit like that).... Or, you can let everything and everyone else take the blame for your current situation and crumble into pieces when the slightest wind blows against you.

With neighbor and friend's kids over often, 
my house looked like this...
Only I wasn't crazy enough to get pregnant again.

Now.. With that being said, I have-- at some point-- chosen both roads.  Considering I was already on the road that allowed me to place blame everywhere but in my own hands while I was married, it took quite a while of being single to change that.  I didn't take care of things that should have been taken care of and looked for reasons to blame someone else (mostly baby daddy) for the reason I had to handle a certain situation.  My house was a mess, my finances were out of control, and my kids were not what you would have called angels at that time.

I was trying to think the other day of the first situation as a single parent that I really got knocked back a bit, and this one memory came rushing up like bad shellfish....  The good thing now though is that every time I tell this story, it makes me laugh until my belly aches.  None of us are what we were then and there's no other way to look at your past than with a smile, right?

So, this particular instance happens to be the day I had to take my daughter, who would be heading off to Pre-K soon, to get her shots updated.  Brianna was 4 and I... well... I was way behind on doctor's visits for shots.  No biggie, we'll just get her all caught up and we're good to GO! Well, let me tell you.... If you are low income, such as I was, and you need a way to get free shots for your kids.  Be prepared to wait in lines that you can only compare to Justin Bieber manning a kissing booth at a tween convention.  It is a freakin' mad house and there is a line literally wrapped around the school parking lot--- twice.

I'm tellin' you this line was SO long that they had clowns and people walking around giving out bottles of water and snacks.  The water was greatly appreciated but the clowns and the popping balloon animals that left the little ones screaming, we could have done without. Also--mind you, this is Texas and it was mid-July.  It was hotter than HELL outside. We were melting out there and patience between a mother and a child ran very thin!!!

To top it off with my new found singledom.... Brianna and I did not venture this alone.. no sir!  We had 2 year old Ethan in tow.  Now-- boys, they like to move.  And let me tell you what-- that boy has never been still a day in his life.  Luckily this has him crashing out the second his head hits the pillow but as a newly single mom with no patience, no proper guidance and no plan-- this can drive you completely mad until you finally get a grip on things.

So, this is just the start of the insanity. We were in this line for about 4 hours when we finally got to a table. FOUR hours.... The first table we sat at, I produced my pitiful excuse of a shot record to the lady.....

Now, B, as we like to call her, is an amazing child. She will really think about the benefits of the things you are giving to her if you explain it to her in a way that she knows this is good for her.  She was prepared!  "Mom!  I can take this. It's just a shot, right? I got this!!"  My baby is a trooper!!

So as we sat down the woman looks at this record and reveals that I was-- not 1.. Not 2.. But 5 shots behind.  And the reality sunk in for her.  This. Was. Going. To. Be. UGLY.

He's a colossal 2 and she just turned 5 here..
Not easy to hold on to at the time.
Plus it is almost x-mas... So yeah....

Now, not only is SHE attempting to escape the building at the nearest exit-- But The E-man.  My ginormous bundle of joy.. (10lbs 7ozs at birth... I swear I birthed a 3 month old) sees a WHOLE lot of shiny shit. He is ready to be on the MOVE and everything WILL go directly into his ever drooling mouth.

So picture this... I am in a chair.  My right arm has a firm grip around Brianna's little body, where I can practically hear the needle scraping on bone because she is desperately trying to free herself from the terror that is steadily coming her way. My left hand is firmly attached to the boy's left ankle, because at this point, he is squirming around and belly flopping on the floor hoping the next move will free him and his mouth will be full of shiny, kill you dead, objects that are on the opposite side of the cafeteria.

It was a nightmare.. I was, literally, being pulled in 2 different directions-- and by this time-- all THREE of us were crying.  I looked desperately around the room at the hundreds of women staring at me in amusement. Sort of like, "Poor girl!  Glad it isn't me!"  I was at the point that if some random stranger came up to me and asked for my son-- I was going to give him to them and not look back.

And then it happened.  An angel stepped out of all these people staring at the 3 ring circus I had going on and offered to take my son.  She said, "Please... let me help you!  Let me hold your son for you!" -- By this point, I wasn't just crying-- I was bawling.  Brianna and I both-- like big ol' titty babies and I wasn't sure if we could survive the entire ordeal.

This woman saved our lives!  I don't know that we would have made it through the day.  I would have eventually had to release him and just hope that one of the surrounding nurses stopped him from drinking all the cocktails that they call immunizations.  The boy did down a bottle of scented bubbles shortly after at Brianna's 5th birthday party and promptly hurled all over the bouncy house as little girls came screaming out, so it would have been possible! And believe me-- we never purchased scented bubbles again...

But without this woman who stepped out from all the rest to assist me from going completely mad, I might have lost my shit.. well more then I already had.  I would have wondered where I was going to muster up the strength to go on doing every day things like this.  Doctor visits, meetings with teachers, going to the movies, the park, the store-- all of it had become a struggle. Sometimes just being home alone with them was more of a struggle than I would have ever admitted at the time because I absolutely preferred to struggle in silence.

We drive each other crazy sometimes

There really is little time that this woman's kindness is far from mind.  When I see a struggling parent, I do my best to help in any way I can-- Even if it's just making them laugh and reminding them that they are not alone.  When I see these kids screaming down the aisle and a parent who is about to unravel, I have been known to put my hand on their shoulder and tell them--- "Don't worry.... I lived through the insanity too...."

But we enjoy the crazies now :)

My Pants Have Wings: Living Life On A Moment's Notice... With No Regrets

I have come to realize recently that I have started to become known for a slight, "Fly by the seat of my pants" attitude in life. Typically, if I don't care for something or I decide I really want something else, I don't have much of an issue changing it real quick.  Jobs, relationships, business plans, habits, health.  Imagine it, I've probably switched it up a time or two without thinking twice.  When I decide something is done and over-- I am out the door and on to, what I hope will become, bigger and better things.  At that point, it is no question to me as to what I have to do to move on and become the happy person I am and want to continue to be.

Will it be tough? Hell yes it can be! Will I wish I was somewhere else then I was right then?? Quite possibly.. Will it always work out?  Uhh.. Absolutely not.. Sometimes one quick decision will need to lead to another.  BUT will I say-- "I wish I would have done something different?" Hell no!! I will say-- this is what I did and my current decisions are now what is important.  Time to find a way to make it work or move it along! 

Does that mean that sometimes I make rash decisions that I have to apologize for?  Oh my jeeze YES!!!  But I also have tact.. usually... well-- I have my moments.  I'm human, alright! I really do my best to make these decisions with class and not to burn bridges.. but no matter how much I work to make it an easy switch some people don't care for my decisions.  For the most part though,  I work everyday on being a better person.  That means leaving my past decisions in the past and only working to make sure I am so happy that it seeps out of my pores and into the people around me... Almost like an extremely contagious happy disease.


Now-- some see this as a downfall.  I don't get a chance to test the waters before I jump into things.  They may even see this as one of my biggest flaws in life.  "Well, that girl, she doesn't have a clue."  I have what is important.  I take what I need and ditch the rest. I just see no reason in wasting time when things aren't working out.

You see-- I realized something about me.  That I was not one of those people who felt as though they have to think long and hard to make the right decisions.  I believe that I have spent less time dwelling incessantly or worrying about the potential/current outcome of my good decisions then I even spent over my bad decisions.  I never once sat and said, "Oh man!!  They treated me so terribly at that job and I can do way better then this... I should have stayed and smiled through my pay cut."  or ever even dreamed of saying... "You know-- that guy was really bad to me.  he didn't respect me, my decisions or my family.  I wish we could have babies together and live in perfect misery for the rest of our lives."  It sounds funny saying it that way... But I know far too many people who think this way without even realizing that's what they're doing.

I have a family that loves me.  I have children who are brilliant..  I have the most amazing friends that a person could ever ask for.  There is food in my belly.. Shoes on my feet (when necessary).. Clothes on my back.  If I need something--- someone will ALWAYS be there for me or I will be strong enough to figure it out on my on.  I have no doubt that I may feel alone from time to time but I know that I am never truly alone.  People love me too much to allow that, just as I would for them.

Now, I'm not saying this kind of mindset is for everyone.  You may need to feel as though you are calculated and well thought out in your ways.. And really, to a huge extent, I do too.  Becoming a fly by the seat of my pants-er did NOT happen over night.  I would spend weeks, months or even years thinking on how I wished I could have something instead of making the decision and going for it..... But now I think, "Why waste time.  If you want it.  GO AND GET IT!" 

This is my first bikini in 19 years and somehow I feel better
in it at 36 then I did at 17. And it only took me 3 seconds
to decide to post this! Nice quick decision with no regrets!

A Drop of Magic a Day Will Make The Warts Go Away!

What my son's wart looked like in
December...pre-treatment

Warts--- no one wants them yet most of us have had them. Even seeing the word in bold makes me cringe a little. When I was younger, I had them all down my leg because I refused to believe that shaving would spread them... I also had a giant patch on my left hand.  

The ones on my leg, we used acid pads to treat and thankfully, due to a late and BAD case of the chicken pox, the virus was so strong it counteracted and killed the warts that covered my hand--- all but one.  And that one was a DOOZIE.  It was in the center of my hand, deep and planted in there.

I went to the dermatologist for about 12 to 15 weeks in a row getting it frozen 7x's in that time.  It was so painful that as a teenager who was pretty headstrong, I cried each time I got the, "Yeah... we're going to have to freeze it again" look.  It was a terrible experience that I'd never wish on anyone.

So, now my son has one.  It seemed to come out of nowhere and grow to the size of a Buick in a matter of weeks. We used Compound W, the doctor froze it 3x's, and even looked into some voodoo mind trick to make it go away... None of this worked. It would actually get BIGGER after each freezing. 

The "Cure All" in a bottle

Now his wart was not only getting bigger, the nature of a 7 year old was to pick at it so it looked like it was getting infected.  I felt as though the time was coming to get him to a dermatologist and start the entire freezing process.... and quite frankly... I procrastinated like a mo-fo because I didn't want him to have to endure what I did. But the embarrassment of what he had going on was worth the pain I explained would come with it to him.

Someone mentioned--and by the way-- that "someone" was my mom.  Just know that she will disown me if I don't give her credit-- but anyways, "someone" mentioned using Tea Tree Oil and I thought it was at least worth a shot.  We were to the point of going to a dermatologist and start a freezing process that will take weeks and cause lots of pain...  

I'm sure some of you already know the benefits of Tea Tree Oil, but I have recently found out, first hand, how amazing this stuff is! So, we had a whole little process going on and no lie.....  His wart went from the point of naming it and accepting Little Wartie as part of the family to non-existent in a matter of weeks. 

Here is what we tried and WORKED!!!!

2/14/13

1. We only treat it at night.  Each night, he gets in the bath, soaks it and cleans it right along with the rest of his funky 7 year old body-- this helps to soften it up and allow the oil to really soak in.
2. Before he even had time to get his skivvies on, we would douse it in hydrogen peroxide.  Even though it was "clean" his grungy little fingers were all up IN that thing making it red, swollen and a bit infected.
3. We doused the hell out of it with Tea Tree Oil.  Now, you have to be a bit careful with this because you do want the band aid to stick.  I was putting it directly on the band aid pad sometimes but he said it got too slippery and the band aid would not stay on.  Truth is-- I had some cheap-ass band aids and once we got some better ones, that puppy was NOT coming off.
4. Then------ we let it sit. 
5. At bath time, band aid off and process repeated for one more day.
6. Take the next day off
7. Watched the POS disappear before our EYES in a matter of two months.

2/27/13 almost completely gone!

I can't believe how easy it has been and I felt you MUST know! The poor kid has been super embarrassed about the thing even being there and can see that he is much happier since it has gone---although he won't be able to use it as a gross out/torture device for his sister anymore.. "I'm gonna put my wart on you if you don't stop it!!!"  Kids..... Can't get them to be comfortable with their warts yet can't get them to stop rubbing it all over their siblings as their own form of gross, but somehow fun, defense.





Anyways.. Peeps-- this is a cheap, painless way to rid yourself of quite a few things.. Here is a list of just a few other things that it can be used for besides warts...

• Athlete's foot
• Fungus infections of the nail
• Mild to moderate acne (I needed this in high school!!)
• Cold sores
• Yeast infections in the mouth and throat (also known as thrush and not to be swallowed)
• Bacterial Vaginal Infections
• Ear Infections
• Lice (No more expensive treatments)
• Scabies
• Ringworm
• Infection prevention in cuts, abrasions, burns, insect bites, stings and boils
• Bad Breath (although not to be swallowed and mixed with baking soda)
• Body Odor (May carry this around for a few peeps that offend noses often)
• Colds
• Dandruff
• Dry Skin
• Fleas (bites and kicking those things to the curb!)
• Hair Care
• Humidifier
• Removing Leeches (dear God don't let me ever have to use it for this!!)
• Mustiness and Mold
• Poison Ivy
• Sunburns
• A "head in tact" tick removal

I'm sure there is more than that and I would ALWAYS research it before you use it for any of the above reasons.... But man.....Save yourself some money, time and pain and check out Tea Tree Oil first! 

My happy, wart-free, camper!

GO NATURAL REMEDIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mama's Single and Ready-- Well Preparing-- To Mingle!

Dating-- What does that even mean after kids?  As a single mom I always wonder -- how do you really "date" a guy?  There are so many things you have to bring into the equation that it can get a little scary as to why you would even attempt such a thing.

Being a single mom-- eventually you get to where you feel like Carol Burnett in Annie as she's dancing around singing, "Little shoes, little feet, everything around me is... little." ...Minus the tub of vodka-- although I'm working on that one.  You walk around with house shoes and hair wraps bossing around your minions and hoping you wake up without a doll arm sticking you in the ass the next day.  

But, none the less--I've been divorced for almost 7 years, have had one "serious" boyfriend for about 6 months about 5 years ago and I've made the decision that it is time to start dating and open my mind to the possibilities before I shrivel up and I realize my singles search starts to  include the local rest home.  I just turned 36... Not that I feel like I've got one foot in the grave at all but it may be time to start giving it a little looksy...

So, how do I do this?  How do I start looking for someone who will fit into my equation?  How will I know if he is right for me and my kiddos??

Well, first off, I think of this as car shopping.. You do NOT have to buy the first one you see.  Get out there, shop around and learn what is important to you in a partner as you date all the wrong ones.. Those are the ones who REALLY teach you want it is you want as you discover exactly what it is you don't want..

Of course, dating after you have children is a whole new bowl of fruit loops.  When I used to think that I needed a low cut shirt and a short skirt to attract a man, now I'd rather have him attracted to my intellect (what little there seems to be these days after the kids suck the life out of me daily) and my charm (which is, well.... super charming if you ask moi but needs to grow on some of you)  

Also......Little Disclaimer here--- I know it is obvious I have put out in the past-- I have 2 kids.. Of course I've "done tha deed"... But that does NOT mean I put out for everyone I'm on a date with... I do have some sense of morals although some would beg to differ.

Time to hit the ground running.. Just don't break an ankle in the process!!

Giant footed women of the world, unite!
(Just at some other shoe store)

*****Just a little warning for those of you who have some sort of weird fear of FEET and someone even brushing yours in the middle of the night wakes you up, then this post is not for you....(especially one of my best friends--- Seriously... You know who you are... And if you read this I know you have come SO far in the last year. Just call me if you need therapy afterwards!! I'm here for you!!). This post has a lot to do with FEET and contains graphic FEET pictures.  So if the simple word being printed all in caps makes you queezie-- turn back now and click the little X at the top of your web browser to get outta dodge!*****

So, I've been told for quite some time that if I wanted to run...Really run... That I would need to get the proper running shoes.  Naturally-- I tried to outsmart those folks and picked up some discount shoes from Marshall's for my birthday last year. Pshaaa.. Shoes are shoes, right??

This is fairly accurate

I got an awesome looking pair of New Balance and a pair of Pumas....  I was READY-- or so I led myself to believe.  Today, almost a year to the day from my last shoe purchase-- I set foot into a running store that I've been casing for about 2 weeks now.

But the thought of a running store never really left my head.  So of course, like any other decent human being would do, I decided to stalk a store for a while.  I drove by, walked by, peeked inside but never actually put my foot down and walked in until very recently.  Truth be told, I found out quite a bit about myself and others while I was there.. I tried on some awesome shoes and had to order a pair to come in right around the time of my birthday!

So, while I was there-- the awesome store manager John and I got along like peas and carrots. We laughed, we cried (because we laughed so hard), we told inappropriate jokes (well mostly I did, but he laughed...)  But the most important thing is, I learned some things that I would have never known had I kept tip-toeing around the front door forever.  

Who would have thought you'd have learned so much at a shoe store-- but I did and here it is:

1. After going through the whole consultation where they throw you up on a treadmill, have you jog a bit and film it... I am REALLY curious as to how I have made it through life without constantly face planting with each and every step I take.. Seriously... My foot hits the ground and curves in so bad that I look it could snap at any given moment. Next thing you know, I'll be walking around with a cane just to keep my legs from crumbing under me. Not anymore though!  Got the call yesterday that the shoes are IN.

Corrective shoes on the left shot, ankle breaker on the right.

Little less fear of instant snap-dom, but still there.

2. Once I stepped down off the treadmill of ankle breaking torture-- I learned that it is O-fficial folks.. My right leg - yeah.... it is slightly longer than my left... Which is also the reason for the right ankle looking as thought it could blow at any second. In all my (almost) 36 years you would think a person would know that about themselves.  I have been hobbling around blindly with absolutely no knowledge of my strange, yet apparently common, deformation.  BUT if you take the attitude that you learn something new everyday then you can also learn something new about yourself every day.  And that, my friends, is progress.  Just wondering what's next though-- what else do I have that's bigger than the other besides the (now obvious) leg and the common knowledge boob.

Want smaller feet? 

3. So, on to the next thing.  Folks, everything really is bigger in Texas-- especially women's feet.  I don't know if this is an urban legend that the store manager and I just cultivated.. But after being told that the man that places the order lives up north in the New York area and he skimps on the women's larger sizes down here, we came to the conclusions that they don't have as many women with larger feet up there.  That observation, naturally,  led us to believe that women bind their feet anywhere north of West Virginia.  That or we all have the genes and giant feet of Cinderella's ugly step-sister down here and they all got the "Cinderella, how in the heck do those tiny things support her whole  body--- oh yeah she's a cartoon" syndrome up there.

What I feel like in most shoe stores...

4. Continuing on in the spirit of everything being bigger in Texas--When I was born my mother got her feelings hurt by a doctor that said, "My!  She's got HUGE feet!!"  Well... sorry mom, but the verdict is in.  I was meant to be a giant, with freakishly huge feet-- yet somehow stopped getting taller at 5'5 (and a half).  But what came as even a bigger surprise than my ability to stand on two legs without snapping them was this--- Where I thought I was a size 10-- I am not.  In athletic shoes I actually have to strap size 11 boats to these giant roots.  Not only are MY feet bigger, apparently they recently had a marathon and there were THREE size 11's left in the entire store because all of the big footed women bought them out.  Wonder if they all have a longer leg too and we're all a bunch of lopsided ladies walking, jogging, sprinting, and running around Texas.  Now, for the record, he did say your feet swell while running and you should always have a size bigger...Which was an awesome thing to learn... So 11's in running shoes, check!  Back to my dainty 10's in dress shoes, whew!

Not my favorite color
but fits like a glove...
or a shoe I mean.

5. And finally.... One of the biggest lessons I trotted away with was this.  Running shoes are a lot like people... It doesn't matter what the outside looks like-- it is what's on the inside that counts.  I liked the red, fancy ones but they were a no go. We were never going to happen and I kissed them farewell as they slipped back into their boxes and waited for the perfect fit to come along and snatch them up.  While there are plenty of shoes in the store, there was only ONE in my size in the entire company out of the 20 some odd stores they have.  I was a little disappointed at first but John reminded me that I have to let go of the color and welcome the corrective comfort! He did say I could go for another one but this one was much cheaper, and on my budget-- I would be able to get a few other things from the store to help me get to where I want to be.  There are more important things than the color of the shoe.

It isn't a glass slipper but it is my perfect fit!

So, moral of the story is?  Heck- I dunno.. I didn't really have a "moral".. Just wanted you to know how my Saturday went and what an awesome experience I had at The Texas Running Company!! :)  Thank you John for finding my glass slipper!

Just a little side note here.. I went back to get my video today (which I could not upload to save my life so screenshots will have to do!)  I also found out-- lesson number 6.  I have been tying my shoes incorrectly for years-- and picking on a friend for taking so long to do hers!  I'm sorry friend!! You know who you are and I will never speak ill of waiting the extra time it takes for you to lace those things up!  Lace on sista...... lace on.

What a Long (Yet Oddly Familiar) Strange Trip Its Been

Wow...What a ride I have taken over the last year and a half.. I've been up, I've been down but mostly...I've been totally uninspired, unmotivated and on a search as to why..  I was doing SO awesome!  I was inspiring people, was working out, things were going well with my kiddos and then... It all came to a HUGE halt.   I, all of a sudden, found myself down and out.  Depressed, inactive, upset, and confused as to how I even  got there.  When really-- it wasn't over night-- I had cultivated it over time...and I'll be damned if I let people figure it out about me.  It was all "nods and smiles...nods and smiles."

But on the inside, there was a huge, "What the hell??" moment.. The changes had been so subtle over time I didn't even really see them taking over.  And you know what I did?? I said, "Well, this must be what I deserve. This.. This here is what I am stuck with."  I lost focus, I lost track but worst of all-- I lost faith in myself.  Could I become what everyone expected me to be?

No-- I can never become what other people want me to be... I can only become what I expect of myself and I realized I had stopped expecting much.

I can say that I haven't written in a while, but that would be a huge lie. Truth is.. I have written plenty but found that I was writing about things that would only lead to self-pity.. Bitching.. and really of no help to anyone else but me-- the one who needed to get those feelings on paper and out of my head so I could really begin to sort through them.

Moving forward--I met someone for a VERY short period and was ready to settle for less than I deserved until the unthinkable happened-- he ended it with me.  Wait-- whaaaat?? That was supposed to be MY job!  I was settling for him and there was no way he was just settling for me.. I'm too awesome for some shit like that.  But, nonetheless... I came to realize that we settled for each other, for someone to fill the space.. instead of realizing that space should already be filled and those that come along should only help to grow my heart instead of fill the space in it.

My eyes opened pretty soon after that... I started to realize and spent the next few months pulling myself out of  my 18 months of slumber.  I was ready to face all the questions, begin reading the tons of signs that were in my face the whole time and expecting more of myself because I was not giving all I knew I had in me.  More and more people have come in my life that tell me I've helped them without me even realizing it-- but my confession here is-- when, at the moment,  I really thought with my heart to give them the advice they needed.... I was giving it to myself.

In reality.. I have gotten exactly what I've worked for.  It has not been "easy" to be overweight, sad, lonely, worn out, and basically the opposite of what I want to be.  It really takes hard work to get yourself there... Eat until you feel like you're going to pop, keep yourself ignorant of how many terrible things you're doing to your body through food, lack of exercise or what have you.. It is tiring to push people away to be lonely and wears you out.. It is not easy to continue thinking of things that bring you down--- you have to seek out those thoughts that weigh on your heart, your mind and your sense of self worth.


So, what I have chosen to do-- again-- is shift my focus from all that has gone wrong and begin to shift my focus back into what is going right.  More and more days go by that I meet like-minded individuals who put every moment of their life into a perspective that something good is about to happen.

I can use and focus my energy however I choose.  If I want focus my energy on being nice and understanding to my kids or focus the energy on yelling and screaming, plain and simply-- I will....  I can focus on the energy to stay up all night and be completely worn out  through out the day...  Or I can choose to go to bed at a decent hour and have the energy to have clear thoughts, be aware of my health and growing the things I want in my life. I am the only one that can make the choice of where I focus my energy.



Our energy is ours to do with as we please-- no one can ever take or give energy to us.. We are the only ones that can create it for ourselves.. So my energy is focused on the good, the positive and the light... And should the dark make it's way into my sight again.. I will see it for what it is worth.. It is there to show me all the good things I have and not to let me focus on this one blemish.  With time, it can fade and I will shine again--sometimes instantaneously by making my decision right then and there. ..I've chosen to make time and better choices over making excuses and  feeling worthless..

       I can think of no other way I want to be.