Getting My Shark Brain Looked at Today..

I haven't talked to a whole lot of people about this but today-- I'm going in for a long awaited ultrasound. Soooo...I'm getting my lady parts looked at-- otherwise known 'round these parts (and by these parts I mean something that makes my daughter and I laugh for hours) as "the shark brain". It occurred to me that I haven't really mentioned it to a whole lot of people about what's going on. I mean, I have in passing-- I've mentioned that things haven't been "right" for a while but when you try to stay positive with every aspect of your life--on the outside-- I don't think people really realize what might be taking place on the inside. I didn't want that to be the main focus of any of my conversations.. There were better things to talk about. Also, it doesn't just come up in an everyday conversation that your lady parts may not be up to par and there's just weird shit going on with them..

Also-- if I'm going to lay it all out there for you today--I may have even ignored some important signs because I just wanted to make enough good choices to make it go away. But I can't ignore them anymore and I've also taken the steps to know EXACTLY what is going on inside my body-- one of the places that is quite a mystery to me. Plus, when I feel like shit, no matter how much I wanted to say I was making good choice, I tend to make shit choices.

So here it goes--I've had some issues that have made me worry, frustrated, lethargic, curl up and cry over the pain, feel sick, lose motivation,.. has given me such mood swings that people probably wondered why I went from zero to bitch in 2.5 words....and another lovely side effect is that I bloat and I bleed about 23 days out of the month. I have an IUD-- I shouldn't be bleeding at all.

Now, people probably wonder what is wrong with me when I strive SO HARD to be as positive and motivational as possible. Truth is--I haven't communicated how much this has bothered me for something that has been going on close to a year now. I've tried to be super strong to really not let anyone know the extent that it wears on me.  

It has come and gone for so long now and in the beginning I thought it was just some weird "getting older" phase.. My last gyno said, "Hmm.. strange" when I told her about my symptoms and pain..never mentioned an ultrasound-- nothing By the time I got the courage up to do the right things (thanks to one of my besties since the 6th grade, who works for a gynecological oncologist and was riding my ass to get this done), my insurance had run out.

What did I do next? I went to the dark side, the "ultra-mega-evil doctors" (other wise known as lifesavers in my humble opinion) Planned Parenthood. They got me right in, they looked at my junk-- they told me I needed to get an ultrasound as soon as I possibly could and even recommended me to a doctor that would do it for practically next to nothing.

That was at the end of November and I started working right away on getting myself enrolled with some health insurance, getting in with a doctor and getting recommended to a gyno who will have my back by actually going the extra mile and not saying, "Hmm.. strange".. But, "Wow! I'm sorry you're going through this and we're going to work together to figure out how to make you feel better. Let's get you an ultrasound as quickly as possible and get you on the path to health!" That was a week ago and the ultrasound is today!! Never thought I'd be so excited to see what's going on in my body besides having babies in there-- but I am... I've been told ovarian cysts or fibroids may be what's the cause of everything but It feels like cysts rupturing over and over again as each week goes by. I'm not sure if that's an accurate description but I know how I feel.

I have to say-- when these feelings would take over my body before, I would give up on everything. I wouldn't work out or eat healthy.. I would feel so bad that I'd let EVERYTHING take a back seat. In December, I decided to renew my thinking about it, get back in to a healthy state of mind then let my body follow along naturally. And, go-figure-- when I work my body and eat to live-- I feel SO much better. The pain doesn't last as long and I feel mentally prepared for the events that are to come-- whatever they may be.

As a final note-- week from today, I'll be turning 39... I expect to look back a year from today with a smile and say, "DAMN GIRL!!! You've come a long way!! Just like you've done every year before!!" There's no better feeling in the world than reflecting over your last 39 years and seeing that, even though some days felt like they took over my entire life-- the year has been good to me because I believe that I'm in a better, healthier, happier and more loving place than I was the year before.  And whatever the events of the next few days, weeks or months might bring-- I'm not only ready to face them-- I'm ready to take them ON!

That, my friends, is living! Pure, unadulterated, living... I'm ready.. LET'S DO THIS!