It is no secret that I have been working my tail off since November.. I mean actually working it right off... And up too because it has LIFTED! I've lost quite a few dress sizes. I am feeling great about it but in looking back at pictures of me last year, I realized that I spent a lot of time fooling myself into believing that my body was in much better shape then it really was. Take example A here...
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| Hot Mama, right?! |
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| Hey.. Where did all those rolls come from? |
I was content. But I was content with being out of shape and out of touch with reality about how to reach my goals. The ONLY person I was really fooling was myself. I even found myself fibbing a little about how much weight I had actually lost. I knew I was at 18 pounds but I pushed it a little and said I was at 25..If I remember correctly-- I told another person it was "closer to 30".. :/ Just a wee bit of a push. I am no liar and I believe I was lying only to try and fool myself. I was pulling the wool over my own eyes and the clarity was lacking. I don't even think the 18 pounds I had lost were even still gone. And it was a tough pill to swallow when someone said, "Really? Hmm.. Maybe it is just hard to tell in that shirt." I knew right then and there that I was found out and it was time for my favorite next step-- CHANGE.
Because my vision had been a little foggy, there were some bumps in the road that I did not see coming even though, in reality, I was right in the thick of them. But as I have found out with anything I do in my life, I used those bumps to bounce right back and get myself back in the game. I just had to take a minute to realize what was happening in order to clear my head and carve out the path I really wanted to be on. I mean I obviously didn't get rid of the other pictures because I knew one day I could use them to help me stay on track and remind myself of where I didn't want to go again. It took a little time but I did some reevaluating and began to nip a few things in the bud.
So, what exactly was I doing and what did I change?
First, I was not eating healthy anymore. I figured since I was "losing weight" that I was, somehow, staying on the right track. If I convince myself that the weight is coming off even though I wasn't doing anything to get me there then it was going to come off, right? WRONG-- I packed on more pounds. I realized there was late night snacking, overeating, fast food choices and even when I had good choices in front of me-- I leaned towards the one that was not best for me.
So, as a result of this thought process, I began to have the classic love/hate relationship with food that I grew up with most of my life. I would eat and eat and eat, then feel very guilty about what I was eating. So guilty that I would do a sort of starve then binge thing. I wouldn't eat all day. Then, when I would eat, I would shovel in everything in sight at night, feel guilty, rinse and repeat I even told a friend that I was beginning to feel guilty every time I ate and he was concerned about the idea that I might have an eating disorder and just might be better off speaking to a professional who could help me with the psychological side. I, of course, immediately denied it and quite frankly was a little pissed about the "diagnosis" he had given me. Hello??!! Me?! Have problems?! I don't think so....... But I did... Not one that required a specialist but one that definitely required me to reevaluate.
Next, I realized I had began to avoid all cameras until the bikini incident came about. If I had to be in one, I was strategically placed so that you could only see me from boobs up. I mean one good thing about being overweight for me means the girls are bigger then most human heads, so I was simply working with what I had. I was GREAT at hiding behind people so that I didn't have to have my body completely visible. OR if I took them myself, then I would take 100 pictures until the right one came about and I no longer looked like I was obese and miserable. If I turned my body just right, you couldn't see my back rolls or if I tiled my head just right, you could no longer see my quadruple chin. It was all about the right angle for the wrong intentions-- to deceive myself and the world that I was on the right track just as I was doing with the pics you see here.
Do to all the lying to myself, my love/hate relationship with food and hiding from cameras-- I began to get frustrated and upset that I was not only NOT seeing progress but that I was taking steps back. I began to --again-- lose faith in myself that I would even be able to complete my journey but most of all that I thought I was no longer able to inspire and motivate people because I couldn't even do it for myself. I felt like a fraud and wasn't able to even figure out what to do next. The truth is though, people were still being inspired by what I was doing, I just had to remind myself that it was ok not to be perfect. I could STILL do this!
I began to dig deep into the idea of educating myself about food. Like I said in my last blog, I began to search for a mentor (and I found a few!!) I began to not worry about what the camera said because it was me and I REALLY love me even though I forgot it for a while. I even made the conscious decision to keep pictures that I would have normally deleted, smashed and/or burned in the past, so that says a LOT. I knew, deep down, that these pictures would be the fuel I needed to rekindle my fire. And this girl is on FIRE now!! I pulled out the old pic after I had, carelessly, snapped a new one showing my stomach the other day... And the results blew myself away!! Wow!!
They were both me-- both the true me. But now I am a much happier me. Why? No more hiding.... No more fear... No more guilt... No more lies. Only pure and simple, true results that I work hard for and I am proud of every day. But don't let me lie to you and say I've done this all on my lonesome. I have a great support group, awesome mentors, an amazing accountability partner and I do have to give a shout out to Google for all the things I've been able to educate myself with over this time. Having the right tools for me include people, because without them I would be all on my own and wondering how I am ever going to make it in this world. It even includes my blog readers and those who follow me on Facebook. I can't even begin to tell you how many encouraging messages I get from people that say things to the nature of, "I am watching you do this and I now know I can do it too." THAT right there-- is a huge motivator in itself for me. So I want to thank you ALL for joining in my journey with me. Just a little less of me than before and getting closer to my goal each day!
5/?/13 4/9/14
5/?/13 4/9/14
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