Breaking Bones, Hating Jobs and Chillin' With The Easter Bunny!

Six years ago-- almost to the day-- I broke my right ankle.  I was on my lunch break while I was working for a "well to do" day trading company and I was simply going to pay my rent.  The office wasn't open, so I had drop the check off in the mail slot.  As I was leaving the place, I stepped off their lovely deck, located right next to a VERY busy freeway, missed one of the stepping stones, turned my ankle and it was all over with.

I spent the next 30 minutes rolling around in the grass.  This was the first time I had EVER broken a major bone.  I mean, I danced for 14 years, so I had broken all of my toes at one time.. but those you simply tape to the next toe and move on.  But this was MAJOR pain!

Of course, expecting it to be a routine trip, I left my phone in my car, so I had no form of communication and the landlord's office was closed for lunch.  I rolled around on the ground like a damn june bug stuck on it's back.  I finally go to the point where I could pull myself up to the deck of the office.  I could see a doorbell, so if I could just get to it--  I could hopefully get someone's attention inside.  But as I'm crawling up to it, a maintenance man walks out the door.

I am in tears and probably looked like I had just been assaulted because when he walked out I was begging him, "Please sir!! Please help me!!!! I am pretty sure I broke my ankle!!!"  He looks at me, without skipping a beat and says, "Oh.. I just thought you were out here enjoying the day on the deck!" Haha! Really?  Just chillin' on my landlord's deck-- next the the feeder road-- while cars are zooming down the freeway on a very busy lunch hour...

Well-- needless to say, he called an ambulance, we got a hold of my boss and off to the hospital I went.

So, while I was working for this lovely day trading company, they were working hard shoving the idea of being "zen and at peace" down our throats.  I was a highly miserable, newly single mom with a 2 and a 6 year old.  It was not going to be easy for me to reach the status they wanted me to over night and not sure how ANYONE could force it upon themselves, but they somehow thought it was going to happen.  We had to write weekly essays on assignments they gave us that would sort of push us in their idea of the right direction.  Aaaand when they found out about my predicament, I had to write 1000 words on "how I could have avoided the break"

Now-- I wrote things about how I could have been more careful about my steps.  How had I been looking down instead of forward I would have stepped correctly and possibly not miss the pole two feet in front of my face.  I wrote all kinds of things-- but that was NOT what he wanted.  He made me rewrite it not once, not twice, but 3 times because I refused to write that I was fat and I could have avoided the break had I lost weight.

Just me, my cart and The Easter Bunny on MY lap!

Yeah-- I just said that-- he wanted me to write about how I could have avoided the break by losing weight.  First off, the break happened and there was NO avoiding it at this time. It happened, there was no looking back and what was done, was done. Second, WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE telling me that MY perception of the incident was wrong?  Third, the man telling me to write this was about 150 pounds over weight and I thought he could have used a GOOD look in the mirror.  Fourth, I quit that job in a matter of weeks with my middle finger in the air and a smile on my face after getting bitched out, through a group Skype convo, for not doing one of our writing exercises correctly.  He was talking, talking, talking and I was packing my bags. This one called for you to "go on a walk and just be..."  I was NOT going on a walk with crutches so I drove it.  Driving it was not acceptable SOOO... I made the whole thing up.  I lied and lied and LIED through my teeth and I was totally fine with that because they made me rewrite that one as well.  I stopped him and told him in a choice amount of words that he could save his breath because I was OUT OF THERE!  It was the first, but not the last of jobs I quit because I knew I was worth so much more.

Needless to say, the job was one of the worst experiences of my life that had just been tacked on top of the other worst experience of my life at the time-- being that newly separated, single mom who was not able to get along with the father of her children at the time.  BUT I learned a lot.  I didn't learn what they wanted me to learn-- but it was exactly what I needed at the time.

I learned that I wouldn't take shit from someone who thought I would take it forever-- just to make a few bucks.  I learned that I could have fun with this, rode the cart at Walmart with pride and even submitted some of the pictures to People of Walmart.  I learned that I had thicker skin than I thought because WHEW were some of the POW comments on my picture were cruel.

The actual picture I submitted to POW

And I learned that I knew what I was doing.  I knew there were going to be comments that were hard to swallow.  I knew there would be a rough patch for quitting my job with nothing new in mind.  I knew there was something to this meditation, put your mind at ease stuff  but I also knew there was a better way to do it.  My way, on my terms and with true willingness to change in my heart.  I learned to love me, that I would break bones, that life didn't come with a redo, that I could take better care of myself, that my decisions were my own and no one would force me to say, think or feel any different.

And P.S.-- I have never seen happier women then when I came to pick up the free pictures that Walmart provided with the Easter Bunny... They literally said-- "IT IS YOU!!!! WE HAVE BEEN WAITING TO MEET YOU!!!" Yeah-- I know-- I'm a celebrity n' stuff!

A Motivated Mama, The Easter Bunny and Carpe the Hell Out of This Diem!

Master of Deception-- Fooler of One

It is no secret that I have been working my tail off since November.. I mean actually working it right off... And up too because it has LIFTED!  I've lost quite a few dress sizes. I am feeling great about it but in looking back at pictures of me last year, I realized that I spent a lot of time fooling myself into believing that my body was in much better shape then it really was. Take example A here...

Hot Mama, right?!

While I was proud of myself for getting a bikini and having the confidence to wear it, I am STILL super proud of me for doing it AND blasting it on the internet....  This was one of about 15 pictures in this particular "Photo Shoot" that I made a dear friend of mine endure.  I would look at them and say, "OH HELL NO!!!  NEXT!!!" until we found this particular position I was in-- I didn't freaking MOVE!  I made her take like 6 of them so we could pick the best out of all of them so no one could see what I REALLY looked like.... Which brings us to exhibit B.... One of the ones that no other eyes were meant to see at the time....

Hey.. Where did all those rolls come from?

This is what I really looked like-- when I didn't make sure I was at a perfect angel.  In the previous picture I had the arm held just right, sucked in as much as I could, raised the hip, tilted the head just right and put an extra distraction by having my tattoo bling it up in there.  I did a live, on the spot, version of Photoshop that had a few issues that came along with it.

I was content.  But I was content with being out of shape and out of touch with reality about how to reach my goals. The ONLY person I was really fooling was myself.  I even found myself fibbing a little about how much weight I had actually lost.  I knew I was at 18 pounds but I pushed it a little and said I was at 25..If I remember correctly-- I told another person it was "closer to 30".. :/ Just a wee bit of a push. I am no liar and I believe I was lying only to try and fool myself. I was pulling the wool over my own eyes and the clarity was lacking. I don't even think the 18 pounds I had lost were even still gone.  And it was a tough pill to swallow when someone said, "Really? Hmm.. Maybe it is just hard to tell in that shirt."  I knew right then and there that I was found out and it was time for my favorite next step-- CHANGE.

Because my vision had been a little foggy, there were some bumps in the road that I did not see coming even though, in reality, I was right in the thick of them.   But as I have found out with anything I do in my life, I used those bumps to bounce right back and get myself back in the game. I just had to take a minute to realize what was happening in order to clear my head and carve out the path I really wanted to be on. I mean I obviously didn't get rid of the other pictures because I knew one day I could use them to help me stay on track and remind myself of where I didn't want to go again. It took a little time but I did some reevaluating and began to nip a few things in the bud.

So, what exactly was I doing and what did I change?

First, I was not eating healthy anymore.  I figured since I was "losing weight" that I was, somehow, staying on the right track.  If I convince myself that the weight is coming off even though I wasn't doing anything to get me there then it was going to come off, right?  WRONG-- I packed on more pounds. I realized there was late night snacking, overeating, fast food choices and even when I had good choices in front of me-- I leaned towards the one that was not best for me.

So, as a result of this thought process, I began to have the classic love/hate relationship with food that I grew up with most of my life.  I would eat and eat and eat, then feel very guilty about what I was eating.  So guilty that I would do a sort of starve then binge thing.  I wouldn't eat all day. Then, when I would eat,  I would shovel in everything in sight at night, feel guilty, rinse and repeat  I even told a friend that I was beginning to feel guilty every time I ate and he was concerned about the idea that I might have an eating disorder and just might be better off speaking to a professional who could help me with the psychological side. I, of course, immediately denied it and quite frankly was a little pissed about the "diagnosis" he had given me. Hello??!!  Me?! Have problems?! I don't think so....... But I did... Not one that required a specialist but one that definitely required me to reevaluate.

Next, I realized I had began to avoid all cameras until the bikini incident came about. If I had to be in one, I was strategically placed so that you could only see me from boobs up.  I mean one good thing about being overweight for me means the girls are bigger then most human heads, so I was simply working with what I had.  I was GREAT at hiding behind people so that I didn't have to have my body completely visible. OR if I took them myself, then I would take 100 pictures until the right one came about and I no longer looked like I was obese and miserable.  If I turned my body just right, you couldn't see my back rolls or if I tiled my head just right, you could no longer see my quadruple chin.  It was all about the right angle for the wrong intentions-- to deceive myself and the world that I was on the right track just as I was doing with the pics you see here. 

Do to all the lying to myself, my love/hate relationship with food and hiding from cameras-- I began to get frustrated and upset that I was not only NOT seeing progress but that I was taking steps back.  I began to --again-- lose faith in myself that I would even be able to complete my journey but most of all that I thought I was no longer able to inspire and motivate people because I couldn't even do it for myself.  I felt like a fraud and wasn't able to even figure out what to do next. The truth is though, people were still being inspired by what I was doing, I just had to remind myself that it was ok not to be perfect.  I could STILL do this!

But really-- all these being said-- I also took the positive away from it.  I mean, I can get down-- but I don't stay down long anymore.  I have made a choice that I want to be happy and I once I realize I'm not, it sets me back on track pretty quickly. Once I pulled my head out of my ass, I used these thoughts to fuel my next moves.

I began to dig deep into the idea of educating myself about food.  Like I said in my last blog, I began to search for a mentor (and I found a few!!)  I began to not worry about what the camera said because it was me and I REALLY love me even though I forgot it for a while.  I even made the conscious decision to keep pictures that I would have normally deleted, smashed and/or burned in the past, so that says a LOT.  I knew, deep down, that these pictures would be the fuel I needed to rekindle my fire.  And this girl is on FIRE now!!  I pulled out the old pic after I had, carelessly, snapped a new one showing my stomach the other day... And the results blew myself away!! Wow!!

They were both me-- both the true me.  But now I am a much happier me.  Why? No more hiding.... No more fear... No more guilt... No more lies.  Only pure and simple, true results that I work hard for and I am proud of every day. But don't let me lie to you and say I've done this all on my lonesome.  I have a great support group, awesome mentors, an amazing accountability partner and I do have to give a shout out to Google for all the things I've been able to educate myself with over this time.  Having the right tools for me include people, because without them I would be all on my own and wondering how I am ever going to make it in this world.  It even includes my blog readers and those who follow me on Facebook.  I can't even begin to tell you how many encouraging messages I get from people that say things to the nature of, "I am watching you do this and I now know I can do it too."  THAT right there-- is a huge motivator in itself for me.  So I want to thank you ALL for joining in my journey with me.  Just a little less of me than before and getting closer to my goal each day!                                5/?/13                                                                      4/9/14