Today I Broke Up With My Nervous Break Down

Two more days.... Two more stinking days and I will be on a plane-- flying out to Colombia.  What most people don't know about me is that I've allowed flying to cause SEVER anxiety in my past.  Let's put it this way-- the last time I flew was in '06 and I went to Indiana.  From the time I got out of the car to the the time I boarded the plane, I lost my ticket 3 times.  Not once, not twice but THREE!

The first time, I ran in to the bathroom, riddled with fear, and I set all my luggage on the shelf behind the toilet.  What I failed to remember is that I left my boarding pass and drivers license up there as well.  When I pulled down my luggage, my boarding pass and id flew to the ground, unbeknownst to me.

As I'm watching my hands, I hear this soft, sweet, foreign voice, "Ma'am.. I believe you dropped your boarding pass."  I thanked her graciously and realized almost immediately that I did not have
my drivers license either... I crawled around the floor of that bathroom for 15 freaking minutes before I came to the realization that my foreign boarding pass angel was also a dirty, stinkin', licence thief. But that was after I had grabbed all of my things off the changing table-- walking out to find her in the hallway and leaving my pass behind once more.

After that, I came to the realization that I need to sit and chill for a bit... Collect my thoughts and stop freaking out so bad.  So I sat down with my carry on and my book.  After a bit I decided to get up to find out what the hell I was going to do with out my license.  I'd searched through everything as I was seated there and it was nowhere to be found.  I take about 30 steps and think to myself, "Uhhh.. where is my ticket??"  Of course-- I look back-- the book I had stuck it in was laying face down on the floor with the ticket falling out.  Yup!  That would be the THIRD time I lost that puppy.

Obviously, I survived the flight there.. I never died once while in Indiana and even though I had to go through bomb testing like I was a suspected terrorist to come home-- I made it home fully alive.  I had previous flights that had me on edge the whole way there-- or drunk the whole time so I didn't have to think about it.

So,  as this trip is nearing--  For the past few days-- I've been on "freak out mode"...  My heart has been heavily palpating, I've been short of breath and a little dizzy. I have been feeding the MESS out of my fears and I decided it was time to put a stop to it a few hours ago. It was like night and day when I chose to feed the "HOLY CRAP this is AWESOME!!" possibilities instead of the "How many ways can I die on this trip?" possibilities. 

The realization that I had to make it stop came to me as I was at a friend's house earlier... I was telling him how I was really anxious and all the fabulous symptoms I was having.  Of course, he did what any good friend would do and offered me a Xanex.  I politely declined. (I took 1/4 of one when I was having a nervous break down after my ex and I split.. .It was not pretty.. I couldn't even keep my eyes open the next day.. I would rather not experience that while I'm supposed to be on point).  

He said to me-- "This is what they were made for!!  To treat the symptoms of what you're going through.."  But I said-- "But I am the one creating these symptoms and I want to be the one to overcome them."    I left without the offered help but still with my heart racing like I'd just spun my little heart out for the last 20 minutes.. Minus all the awesome sweat that comes with it.

So I thought to myself as I was driving home.  "WHY?? Why are you so afraid??!!"  And it only took a matter of seconds to realize exactly why.  My thoughts were in the mindset that I was the same scared, clumsy and irresponsible person that had lost their ticket time and time again... Or the same person that had to drink enough to not remember the flight.  

But I'm not that person.  I'm the person who is on time, on point, clear headed, ready for action and even though I'm still a little scared about going into a country where I speak very little of the language-- all by myself-- (well until I meet up with some people)-- I'm started that very moment to look my fears in the face and say.... 

"Everything will be ok.  You will not die, You have so much left to live for--I mean-- you're not cashing out until you're like 103.  Your kids will be well taken care of while you are gone.  You are taking this trip because you deserve it and it was given to you for the same reason.  You are strong!  You are smart!  You will be FINE.  Not only fine but you will be FABULOUS because that is all you ever are!!  YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF HOW YOU FEEL! Yes-- you are scared but overcoming this fear will make you stronger than you can ever imagine.  This is how you lived your life before you felt this way and this is how you will continue to live it.  You are going to ROCK Colombia!!"

It may not have been in that order and I think I left out some of my self talk-- that I had out loud in the car on my drive home.... But the heart palpitations stopped.  Right then and there.  There was an ease that came over me that I hadn't experienced in days.  The switch was flipped because my mind was now on the right track.  I realized, for the first time in my life-- this fear was there to wake me UP not shut me down.

So-- just a few more day.. I'm starting to pack today. I've taken advice from everyone I know.  I've learned that I didn't have to fill up all the tiny bottles with liquid if I don't intend to have them in my carry on, the size of my carry on but most of all that I am control of myself, my thoughts and my ability to overcome anything I put my mind to!

So adios amigos!!  Hasta luego and all that other jazz I'm going to have to learn in a Spanish crash course on the plane... Maaaybe the wrong term to use there but you get me :)

Breaking Bones, Hating Jobs and Chillin' With The Easter Bunny!

Six years ago-- almost to the day-- I broke my right ankle.  I was on my lunch break while I was working for a "well to do" day trading company and I was simply going to pay my rent.  The office wasn't open, so I had drop the check off in the mail slot.  As I was leaving the place, I stepped off their lovely deck, located right next to a VERY busy freeway, missed one of the stepping stones, turned my ankle and it was all over with.

I spent the next 30 minutes rolling around in the grass.  This was the first time I had EVER broken a major bone.  I mean, I danced for 14 years, so I had broken all of my toes at one time.. but those you simply tape to the next toe and move on.  But this was MAJOR pain!

Of course, expecting it to be a routine trip, I left my phone in my car, so I had no form of communication and the landlord's office was closed for lunch.  I rolled around on the ground like a damn june bug stuck on it's back.  I finally go to the point where I could pull myself up to the deck of the office.  I could see a doorbell, so if I could just get to it--  I could hopefully get someone's attention inside.  But as I'm crawling up to it, a maintenance man walks out the door.

I am in tears and probably looked like I had just been assaulted because when he walked out I was begging him, "Please sir!! Please help me!!!! I am pretty sure I broke my ankle!!!"  He looks at me, without skipping a beat and says, "Oh.. I just thought you were out here enjoying the day on the deck!" Haha! Really?  Just chillin' on my landlord's deck-- next the the feeder road-- while cars are zooming down the freeway on a very busy lunch hour...

Well-- needless to say, he called an ambulance, we got a hold of my boss and off to the hospital I went.

So, while I was working for this lovely day trading company, they were working hard shoving the idea of being "zen and at peace" down our throats.  I was a highly miserable, newly single mom with a 2 and a 6 year old.  It was not going to be easy for me to reach the status they wanted me to over night and not sure how ANYONE could force it upon themselves, but they somehow thought it was going to happen.  We had to write weekly essays on assignments they gave us that would sort of push us in their idea of the right direction.  Aaaand when they found out about my predicament, I had to write 1000 words on "how I could have avoided the break"

Now-- I wrote things about how I could have been more careful about my steps.  How had I been looking down instead of forward I would have stepped correctly and possibly not miss the pole two feet in front of my face.  I wrote all kinds of things-- but that was NOT what he wanted.  He made me rewrite it not once, not twice, but 3 times because I refused to write that I was fat and I could have avoided the break had I lost weight.

Just me, my cart and The Easter Bunny on MY lap!

Yeah-- I just said that-- he wanted me to write about how I could have avoided the break by losing weight.  First off, the break happened and there was NO avoiding it at this time. It happened, there was no looking back and what was done, was done. Second, WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE telling me that MY perception of the incident was wrong?  Third, the man telling me to write this was about 150 pounds over weight and I thought he could have used a GOOD look in the mirror.  Fourth, I quit that job in a matter of weeks with my middle finger in the air and a smile on my face after getting bitched out, through a group Skype convo, for not doing one of our writing exercises correctly.  He was talking, talking, talking and I was packing my bags. This one called for you to "go on a walk and just be..."  I was NOT going on a walk with crutches so I drove it.  Driving it was not acceptable SOOO... I made the whole thing up.  I lied and lied and LIED through my teeth and I was totally fine with that because they made me rewrite that one as well.  I stopped him and told him in a choice amount of words that he could save his breath because I was OUT OF THERE!  It was the first, but not the last of jobs I quit because I knew I was worth so much more.

Needless to say, the job was one of the worst experiences of my life that had just been tacked on top of the other worst experience of my life at the time-- being that newly separated, single mom who was not able to get along with the father of her children at the time.  BUT I learned a lot.  I didn't learn what they wanted me to learn-- but it was exactly what I needed at the time.

I learned that I wouldn't take shit from someone who thought I would take it forever-- just to make a few bucks.  I learned that I could have fun with this, rode the cart at Walmart with pride and even submitted some of the pictures to People of Walmart.  I learned that I had thicker skin than I thought because WHEW were some of the POW comments on my picture were cruel.

The actual picture I submitted to POW

And I learned that I knew what I was doing.  I knew there were going to be comments that were hard to swallow.  I knew there would be a rough patch for quitting my job with nothing new in mind.  I knew there was something to this meditation, put your mind at ease stuff  but I also knew there was a better way to do it.  My way, on my terms and with true willingness to change in my heart.  I learned to love me, that I would break bones, that life didn't come with a redo, that I could take better care of myself, that my decisions were my own and no one would force me to say, think or feel any different.

And P.S.-- I have never seen happier women then when I came to pick up the free pictures that Walmart provided with the Easter Bunny... They literally said-- "IT IS YOU!!!! WE HAVE BEEN WAITING TO MEET YOU!!!" Yeah-- I know-- I'm a celebrity n' stuff!

A Motivated Mama, The Easter Bunny and Carpe the Hell Out of This Diem!

Master of Deception-- Fooler of One

It is no secret that I have been working my tail off since November.. I mean actually working it right off... And up too because it has LIFTED!  I've lost quite a few dress sizes. I am feeling great about it but in looking back at pictures of me last year, I realized that I spent a lot of time fooling myself into believing that my body was in much better shape then it really was. Take example A here...

Hot Mama, right?!

While I was proud of myself for getting a bikini and having the confidence to wear it, I am STILL super proud of me for doing it AND blasting it on the internet....  This was one of about 15 pictures in this particular "Photo Shoot" that I made a dear friend of mine endure.  I would look at them and say, "OH HELL NO!!!  NEXT!!!" until we found this particular position I was in-- I didn't freaking MOVE!  I made her take like 6 of them so we could pick the best out of all of them so no one could see what I REALLY looked like.... Which brings us to exhibit B.... One of the ones that no other eyes were meant to see at the time....

Hey.. Where did all those rolls come from?

This is what I really looked like-- when I didn't make sure I was at a perfect angel.  In the previous picture I had the arm held just right, sucked in as much as I could, raised the hip, tilted the head just right and put an extra distraction by having my tattoo bling it up in there.  I did a live, on the spot, version of Photoshop that had a few issues that came along with it.

I was content.  But I was content with being out of shape and out of touch with reality about how to reach my goals. The ONLY person I was really fooling was myself.  I even found myself fibbing a little about how much weight I had actually lost.  I knew I was at 18 pounds but I pushed it a little and said I was at 25..If I remember correctly-- I told another person it was "closer to 30".. :/ Just a wee bit of a push. I am no liar and I believe I was lying only to try and fool myself. I was pulling the wool over my own eyes and the clarity was lacking. I don't even think the 18 pounds I had lost were even still gone.  And it was a tough pill to swallow when someone said, "Really? Hmm.. Maybe it is just hard to tell in that shirt."  I knew right then and there that I was found out and it was time for my favorite next step-- CHANGE.

Because my vision had been a little foggy, there were some bumps in the road that I did not see coming even though, in reality, I was right in the thick of them.   But as I have found out with anything I do in my life, I used those bumps to bounce right back and get myself back in the game. I just had to take a minute to realize what was happening in order to clear my head and carve out the path I really wanted to be on. I mean I obviously didn't get rid of the other pictures because I knew one day I could use them to help me stay on track and remind myself of where I didn't want to go again. It took a little time but I did some reevaluating and began to nip a few things in the bud.

So, what exactly was I doing and what did I change?

First, I was not eating healthy anymore.  I figured since I was "losing weight" that I was, somehow, staying on the right track.  If I convince myself that the weight is coming off even though I wasn't doing anything to get me there then it was going to come off, right?  WRONG-- I packed on more pounds. I realized there was late night snacking, overeating, fast food choices and even when I had good choices in front of me-- I leaned towards the one that was not best for me.

So, as a result of this thought process, I began to have the classic love/hate relationship with food that I grew up with most of my life.  I would eat and eat and eat, then feel very guilty about what I was eating.  So guilty that I would do a sort of starve then binge thing.  I wouldn't eat all day. Then, when I would eat,  I would shovel in everything in sight at night, feel guilty, rinse and repeat  I even told a friend that I was beginning to feel guilty every time I ate and he was concerned about the idea that I might have an eating disorder and just might be better off speaking to a professional who could help me with the psychological side. I, of course, immediately denied it and quite frankly was a little pissed about the "diagnosis" he had given me. Hello??!!  Me?! Have problems?! I don't think so....... But I did... Not one that required a specialist but one that definitely required me to reevaluate.

Next, I realized I had began to avoid all cameras until the bikini incident came about. If I had to be in one, I was strategically placed so that you could only see me from boobs up.  I mean one good thing about being overweight for me means the girls are bigger then most human heads, so I was simply working with what I had.  I was GREAT at hiding behind people so that I didn't have to have my body completely visible. OR if I took them myself, then I would take 100 pictures until the right one came about and I no longer looked like I was obese and miserable.  If I turned my body just right, you couldn't see my back rolls or if I tiled my head just right, you could no longer see my quadruple chin.  It was all about the right angle for the wrong intentions-- to deceive myself and the world that I was on the right track just as I was doing with the pics you see here. 

Do to all the lying to myself, my love/hate relationship with food and hiding from cameras-- I began to get frustrated and upset that I was not only NOT seeing progress but that I was taking steps back.  I began to --again-- lose faith in myself that I would even be able to complete my journey but most of all that I thought I was no longer able to inspire and motivate people because I couldn't even do it for myself.  I felt like a fraud and wasn't able to even figure out what to do next. The truth is though, people were still being inspired by what I was doing, I just had to remind myself that it was ok not to be perfect.  I could STILL do this!

But really-- all these being said-- I also took the positive away from it.  I mean, I can get down-- but I don't stay down long anymore.  I have made a choice that I want to be happy and I once I realize I'm not, it sets me back on track pretty quickly. Once I pulled my head out of my ass, I used these thoughts to fuel my next moves.

I began to dig deep into the idea of educating myself about food.  Like I said in my last blog, I began to search for a mentor (and I found a few!!)  I began to not worry about what the camera said because it was me and I REALLY love me even though I forgot it for a while.  I even made the conscious decision to keep pictures that I would have normally deleted, smashed and/or burned in the past, so that says a LOT.  I knew, deep down, that these pictures would be the fuel I needed to rekindle my fire.  And this girl is on FIRE now!!  I pulled out the old pic after I had, carelessly, snapped a new one showing my stomach the other day... And the results blew myself away!! Wow!!

They were both me-- both the true me.  But now I am a much happier me.  Why? No more hiding.... No more fear... No more guilt... No more lies.  Only pure and simple, true results that I work hard for and I am proud of every day. But don't let me lie to you and say I've done this all on my lonesome.  I have a great support group, awesome mentors, an amazing accountability partner and I do have to give a shout out to Google for all the things I've been able to educate myself with over this time.  Having the right tools for me include people, because without them I would be all on my own and wondering how I am ever going to make it in this world.  It even includes my blog readers and those who follow me on Facebook.  I can't even begin to tell you how many encouraging messages I get from people that say things to the nature of, "I am watching you do this and I now know I can do it too."  THAT right there-- is a huge motivator in itself for me.  So I want to thank you ALL for joining in my journey with me.  Just a little less of me than before and getting closer to my goal each day!                                5/?/13                                                                      4/9/14

Ten Weeks of Life Changing AWESOMENESS!!!

Ten weeks of HARD work giving results!!

I have tried 100 times to get myself in shape and 99 times I've given up...... Every time I gave up I started to think this "healthy living" thing wasn't in the cards for me.  I just wasn't cut out to be a size 6, I'm big boned, my genetics were holding me back, I broke my leg, I broke my arm, I got sick, I can't run because my boobs are too big and I don't want a black eye.  You name it, I made an excuse for it not working out and, well, quit working out.  But now I look back and realize, those 99 times were there to show me what I truly wanted and to weed out what I didn't.  It was never easy to give up because it put me in a place, mentally, that I never wanted to return.  Yet, I would return-- willingly-- because I did not like what I was doing, how I was doing it or just didn't fully believe it was in the cards for me.

Working it in Body class

What has changed you ask?  Well, by a series of awesomely fortunate events, I crossed paths with the owner of a studio that I now consider my second home.  Not sure how we became Facebook friends but we were. She commented on my thoughts of becoming vegan (which I haven't done to the full extent yet but I'm learning) and that was that.  It was a life changing event that has brought a support group of women and a few men, who dare, that are happy, healthy, funny, working each day to do better for themselves into my life and I am SO grateful to have the opportunity to join them.

There is no miracle pill or single exercise that will make you healthy. I think we all know that by now. It is pure determination and hard work.  It takes time, patience, growth, some pain (and by some I mean a lot but never more then I can handle), support and a true willingness to give it my all if I really want something to happen in my life. 

Balancing in Mind class

So, my new friend invited me to take a class at her studio, Define Body & Mind.  My first class was on November 5th and I was completely hooked!  There was giggling going on in place of groans when the workout became super intense.  There was encouragement to "Smile through the shake." There was a room full of smiling faces. We weren't packed in like sardines in a sea of faces like classes at the gym.  The instructor knows everyone's names and frequently gives you that boost of confidence you need by telling you what an awesome job you're doing over the mic. They come through and correct your stance so that make sure you maximize each moment of your class. I knew almost immediately that I was home.  

There are 3 classes I take there that range from a full Body, barre, use your own body as resistance and light weights type of class, a Revolution class (REV for short AKA Spin) and the Mind class where you stretch and work out all of the lactic acid your muscles have in them after working so hard in your other classes by rolling over a hard silver ball called a Yamina ball.

REV class

Now the REV class, quite frankly, scared the crap out of me AND I completely avoided it for the first month.  I would just peek into the room like some sort of nosy neighbor ask, "Uhh.. Hey...Hey guys..What... whatcha doin' over there neighbor?"  And for the record-- if you want to join a place like this I would totally suggest NOT getting on the bike as your first class.  Those who have taken it know the seats are small and your, ahem, "whoody who" feels like someone beat the crap out of it with a sock full of rocks.  BUT the good thing is, that doesn't last.  You will soon get used to it and your nether regions no longer feel like they require an ice bath after every class. None the less, I chose to get up on that bike and ride like we were in the Tour de France and ready to bring home a million dollars for our team.  Because we are ALL in that ride together.  We push hard together, cheer for one another and there is an awesome added effect with dimming of the electric candles so you can really dig down deep as things get tougher to help you stay laser focused.

Never a dull moment with the best
instructors on the PLANET!

Within the first 2 weeks of joining and bringing on some of my close friends, they started a 6 week challenge.  The challenge was to take 36 classes in that 6 weeks.  I was not only determined to make it, I was determined to CRUSH the challenge and crush it I did.  I ended the 6 weeks with 53 classes and on the final day, I took 5 classes.  Two bodies, two Revs and a Mind.  I'm not even gonna lie to ya... I felt like a freakin' CHAMPION that day!!  And just for the record-- I won the challenge and earned myself a free month!  Really though-- I won far more then that.  I gained confidence, knowledge, experience, friendship and lost about 18 pounds and quite a few inches.  So rewarding!

After my first intermediate class!

As you can see, I love the place and even though I gave up 99 out of 100 times, this time I've got the mental strength I need to reach my goal.  This time I feel the love, support and guidance that I've always wanted to get on the right track and for that I am eternally grateful!  Even though I'm not even half way there, physically, I'm all the way there mentally.  This time I am not giving up.  I've got too much going for me and too many people supporting me to not make it.  But most of all-- I believe I can do it.  THAT is more then half the battle and turns a dream into a reality.

Feeling and looking good!!

Notice how my right
shoulder was slanted down
and now I am aligned!