What a Long (Yet Oddly Familiar) Strange Trip Its Been

Wow...What a ride I have taken over the last year and a half.. I've been up, I've been down but mostly...I've been totally uninspired, unmotivated and on a search as to why..  I was doing SO awesome!  I was inspiring people, was working out, things were going well with my kiddos and then... It all came to a HUGE halt.   I, all of a sudden, found myself down and out.  Depressed, inactive, upset, and confused as to how I even  got there.  When really-- it wasn't over night-- I had cultivated it over time...and I'll be damned if I let people figure it out about me.  It was all "nods and smiles...nods and smiles."

But on the inside, there was a huge, "What the hell??" moment.. The changes had been so subtle over time I didn't even really see them taking over.  And you know what I did?? I said, "Well, this must be what I deserve. This.. This here is what I am stuck with."  I lost focus, I lost track but worst of all-- I lost faith in myself.  Could I become what everyone expected me to be?

No-- I can never become what other people want me to be... I can only become what I expect of myself and I realized I had stopped expecting much.

I can say that I haven't written in a while, but that would be a huge lie. Truth is.. I have written plenty but found that I was writing about things that would only lead to self-pity.. Bitching.. and really of no help to anyone else but me-- the one who needed to get those feelings on paper and out of my head so I could really begin to sort through them.

Moving forward--I met someone for a VERY short period and was ready to settle for less than I deserved until the unthinkable happened-- he ended it with me.  Wait-- whaaaat?? That was supposed to be MY job!  I was settling for him and there was no way he was just settling for me.. I'm too awesome for some shit like that.  But, nonetheless... I came to realize that we settled for each other, for someone to fill the space.. instead of realizing that space should already be filled and those that come along should only help to grow my heart instead of fill the space in it.

My eyes opened pretty soon after that... I started to realize and spent the next few months pulling myself out of  my 18 months of slumber.  I was ready to face all the questions, begin reading the tons of signs that were in my face the whole time and expecting more of myself because I was not giving all I knew I had in me.  More and more people have come in my life that tell me I've helped them without me even realizing it-- but my confession here is-- when, at the moment,  I really thought with my heart to give them the advice they needed.... I was giving it to myself.

In reality.. I have gotten exactly what I've worked for.  It has not been "easy" to be overweight, sad, lonely, worn out, and basically the opposite of what I want to be.  It really takes hard work to get yourself there... Eat until you feel like you're going to pop, keep yourself ignorant of how many terrible things you're doing to your body through food, lack of exercise or what have you.. It is tiring to push people away to be lonely and wears you out.. It is not easy to continue thinking of things that bring you down--- you have to seek out those thoughts that weigh on your heart, your mind and your sense of self worth.


So, what I have chosen to do-- again-- is shift my focus from all that has gone wrong and begin to shift my focus back into what is going right.  More and more days go by that I meet like-minded individuals who put every moment of their life into a perspective that something good is about to happen.

I can use and focus my energy however I choose.  If I want focus my energy on being nice and understanding to my kids or focus the energy on yelling and screaming, plain and simply-- I will....  I can focus on the energy to stay up all night and be completely worn out  through out the day...  Or I can choose to go to bed at a decent hour and have the energy to have clear thoughts, be aware of my health and growing the things I want in my life. I am the only one that can make the choice of where I focus my energy.



Our energy is ours to do with as we please-- no one can ever take or give energy to us.. We are the only ones that can create it for ourselves.. So my energy is focused on the good, the positive and the light... And should the dark make it's way into my sight again.. I will see it for what it is worth.. It is there to show me all the good things I have and not to let me focus on this one blemish.  With time, it can fade and I will shine again--sometimes instantaneously by making my decision right then and there. ..I've chosen to make time and better choices over making excuses and  feeling worthless..

       I can think of no other way I want to be.