It's Not Perfect But It's Not Meant To Be

The time has come to let you in on a little secret of mine.  No matter how much I write, talk or hope you can read my body language as I feel like my brain is going to explode from trying to send telepathic waves your way—I, Lindsay S. Duff, am undeniably human.  I know, I know.. It is a bit hard to believe with my superior mothering skills, my ability to kick ass at trivia, my quick and fabulously funny wit and my sensible, yet super comfortable wardrobe selection (seriously have not left my robe all day and it has been AWESOME).  But I am no more a God then the 9 gazillion other people that I share this great wide world with.

Being a mere, yet outstanding mortal, I realize one thing and one thing only.  My life is only as beautiful as the outlook I choose to have.  Some people think I am crazy for the situations I laugh at, but I've already made the choice to be happy. There is no reason to let a little or a large life event that has or may happen change that.. I choose to smile through it and see the good in it all. When you honestly realize that you can choose to feel any way you want, you can actually laugh at why it took you so long to choose happiness. I have an amazing gift that was meant to be shared.  That gift is called life and I am worthy of living it to the fullest.

My title as Captain Self Destructo has been released.  I would say passed on, but why in the world would I pass that on to someone else?  I know I, and the rest of the human race, deserve better.  Now that I can look at situations and realize that I am perfectly flawed and a highly unique individual, (just like everyone else of course) I have decided that it was time to put on a new cape.  I am now Lt. Sergent Perfecto—properly said in a deep voice and preferably with an echo-- and even though I am not now, nor will I ever be perfect, I can be the next best thing.  I can be a person who is not only happy but proud of all my choices, whether or not others agree with them.  They are my mistakes to make and my choice to correct them.. But every step, every blunder, every giggle, every smile, everything I do is intentional and I am responsible for it.  I am responsible for my happiness or my sorrow—So why not choose happiness?

 

Instead of lying on the floor, kicking and screaming like I did in the past, I realized I put myself through unnecessary bullshit and I was ready to clean up the mess. I asked for lots of help, seeking the “perfect” answer but I really found myself asking everyone else what I already knew.  I was seeking advice because I didn’t want to hear my own. It was that I didn’t have to fit into a perfect little box.. My wrapping could be crinkled a little but what is inside was worth more than gold.  I now look at all the beauty and amazing things this world has to offer—and I realize I am part of that world.  It wouldn’t be the same without me.

Habits Aren't Forever Unless You Want Them to Be

So, recently I realized I had been having a really tough time.  I was having a hard time finding time for myself....Yet, I was getting nothing accomplished. Strange, but not so strange of a concept, right? My brain was on overload with all the wrong things. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was sending myself into a deep hole because I was the one carving it out.  I began to doubt who I was, what I could do and really stopped putting forth so much effort into the life I wanted.  I was just going through the motions sort of like a mindless robot.  I am, by no means, meant to be any sort of robot.  A few have tried to convince me that I am but they failed miserably.  I am fully alive and conscious of my existence.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I have allowed myself to visit and reside in a few dark places in the past. I did, however, make the choice to move out of the darkness and set up shop in the light..  But, because I am human and not some perfect robot... I slipped and I fell into that place again.  I rolled around on the ground for a while, cried about my big boo boo and took, what seemed like a century to get back up. (For the record...it was only a few months but DAMN did it feel like forever at the time) I would pull myself half way back up but would fall back down again--too weak to stand on my own and wondering if I ever could again.  

I thought to myself, "I do not know what to do or how to do this!  How do I get myself out of here?"  So, you know what I did??  I grabbed all the band aids I could, stopped the bleeding and I stepped out of the ordinary I was creating!  In reality, it was not something "out of the ordinary," that I was about to do. It was something that I had done before and thought I no longer needed.  I thought I had overcome it before on my own and that I could do it again.  The truth of the matter is... I had a LOT of help and I just needed to remember that. 


I started telling EVERYONE about how I was feeling and I began to ask for help.  I turned to people who had not only helped me in the past, they opened my eyes to change my life and they were there for me as if a beat was never skipped.  I turned to anyone that would listen and in return found I could help some of them as well.  This felt absolutely amazing!  I was releasing so much that I did not want inside of me anymore, simply making room for the things I did.  I was stuck in a habit of sucking it up and not letting it out that I wasn't even realizing that it had become a habit to feel miserable and I was all the verge of exploding.. All I had to do was change my direction and be habitual at something different.. Feel habitually good!


There is something so out of this world that comes with this and it will make your hairs stand on end when you begin to believe it.   Once you realize that you are actually a creature of habit... You realize how many habits you can actually change or even begin to create for yourself.  You may have tried and given up once, twice, 100x's.. But it doesn't mean you have to keep giving up. You are not stuck being who you were, you are who you ARE and YOU get to choose who that is going to continue to be. YOU choose who it is going to grow into.  All it might take is a little insight from another who can help you to change your perspective and allow you to understand there are other habits that just might work better for you.

Yup!  You can make it that easy!

Time to Clear the Fog

When your brain is not clear of all the clutter, you end up lost in the fog.  So.. With that said, I will let you know in the past 4 months I have been struggling with my next blog post.  I find myself asking myself, "What the hell do you want to write about?" And the truth is, I want to write about how good all the things are going when I'm struggling a little with the "goodness" aspect of everything.  




I have not had some sort of craziness of a roller coaster of emotions.  It is more like  a steady stream of uncertainty and procrastination.  I've even had some old feeling come rushing back to me.  Fluttery heart, crying at commercials, flying off the handle over things that were SO not worth flying off the handle about.  Kinda makes my "no craziness roller coaster of emotions" sound like I may have been lying to myself, right?

Well, I've been here before. I recognize what is happening to me and I know how to fix it.  I am not throwing in the towel.  There are many times that I've felt this way and I just gave up for weeks, months and even years.  There was no more left and I was stuck being the person I once was instead of realizing that was merely the past and I didn't have to live in that place anymore.  

The good thing is that I actually realize that now.  I know that even though I've taken a few steps back, sometimes it is necessary to gain your momentum to take a huge leap forward.  I have had to realize that there is no actual race... Just a steady stream of taking what comes my way and learning new ways to deal with situations.

While things may not always move as quickly as originally planned, when you are motivated, you know these things take time and patience is absolutely essential to obtaining your goal. Take a day off, take 2, hell take a week when needed, but know that you will never give up because you are worth reaching and maintaining your dreams. There is no real finish line, just the opportunity to do better each day. The truth is, you may not have it all together right now, but you have it all at your fingertips.  You just have to reach out and grab it.

Even I can't deny that my hard work has been paying off!  :)

Just because the hat fits, that doesn't mean you have to buy it.

There are times where I feel like I need a guide, to lead me down my path.. Someone to talk to, who understands me and so they can put me in the right direction.  Someone to say, “Here Lindsay.. Walk this way, take these steps and all will be safe.  Nothing can harm you if you do exactly as I say.”  And it does work, for a while when someone points out their way.  I think, “Hell yeah!! This is going to be a piece of cake.. It is all laid out for me.  It’s where I don’t even have to think about it!  They have told me what to do, I’m going to do it and all will be fixed."

I have realized, that is only a temporary fix.. a band aid to cover the wound, because no matter how advanced the person who is leading me might be…they are still just as perfectly flawed as I am.  They still have frustrations, anxiety, disagreements with their boyfriends, girlfriends, parents, children, boss or whoever it may be, they say things they wish they had said differently, or even struggle to make ends meet.  They are walking their path and I am walking mine and even though paths may cross, the one we are on is named after each of us.. It has my own personal marks on it with my personal history creating the divots that became the road I have started to carve out.

I guess what I mean is.. We can really help each other when our paths meet, but ultimately.. I have to decide what is best for me.  I have to process all the information that is given to me as advice and decide what is useful or relative and what isn’t.  And sometimes I have to try their hat on to see if it fits for a little while, but it doesn’t mean I’m forever stuck with that hat on my head.  I can take it off and hand it back if it doesn’t feel quite right.

Advice is just that, advice.. Help is just that, help.. But my purpose is not to follow every bit I hear or even have to depend on others to freely give it over to me.  While I know plenty will hold the torch if I asked them to.. I know I will need to rest and ask someone else to guide me from time to time, but it is most important for me to take the light into my own hands when I’m feeling weak and ready myself to find my own way again.

The (mis)Adventures of Captain Self Destructo

I will admit I have not always been the easiest person to live with. As a matter-o-fact, there are times I have been a down right terror.  Up until a few years ago, I never really sat and thought about why I was doing some of the things I felt I MUST do. "This is me - I'm angry and I'm going to yell and stomp and I don't care what you think."  I'd never realized that everything I was doing with myself was all out of habit, and it wasn't a true reflection of who I wanted to be.  Habits can be changed.

When I was angry, I turned into my not-so-super hero alter ego "Captain Self Destructo!! Out to destroy the world!!! Muahahaha!!"  That was ME and ya can't fix me!  This was how I was supposed to be.. A rude, insecure (although you would have NEVER heard me admit I was insecure), obnoxious bitch.. This is who I've ALWAYS been and it is who I will always be.


I began to grow tired of always regretting my bitchy outbursts and my sharp tongue, but I didn't believe I could change anything.  Looking back, I had a lot of people in my life, but I didn't feel loved.  I was wrapped up in the idea that I was a bad person and I did not deserve love.  So, I figured, why give love to anyone else?  That attitude only served to increase how badly I thought of myself, and how poorly I treated those around me. I made it a habit to push people away so they didn't have to deal with my craziness.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we have ALL been that toddler  (or teenager... or 20 something) that had the complete meltdown in the middle of God and everyone that left our parents wondering how we'd ever make it to adulthood. While this behavior is expected of children, once we reach a certain age, we become aware of the consequences.  We begin to create opinions about ourselves based on how we feel ABOUT the meltdown.  Some people are lucky enough to reach that point of awareness at a young age, some of us don't get there until our 30's (ahem) and some may never make it there.


One day I opened my eyes and the realization hit me.  This was not who I was born to be.  I really could choose to be whoever I wanted, and I was making a pretty damn poor choice.  Understanding that it was a choice and that I was choosing poorly sent me down a whole new path of thought.

Once I realized I could pick my reaction and that I had control, I began to do a few things that really changed the way I viewed my life and sped me toward becoming a ME that I liked.  I began to break the chains of regret and make better choices for myself. If I wanted to, I could wear a cape and work to save the world instead of destroy it.

1. I became more aware of my own emotions.  I could see when I was on the verge of a Lindsay Hate Fest and Captain Self Destructo was taking over.  I became aware that when I was down on myself, I was down on everyone around me.  I make myself take a step back and take a moment to think about my thoughts and words before they turn into any kind of action.  How is this going to help the situation and do I really mean what I'm thinking at the moment? I now take my time to think through what I'm going to say and make sure my words are only spoken if they can be helpful to any situation....or if they're really funny, because I find myself HILARIOUS!! (True story)
2. I quit blaming other people and things for my immense lack of happiness. Truth is, I didn't really "blame" myself either.  I just knew it was time to step up and take responsibility for my own joy.  Blaming others wouldn't let me start heading in the right direction.
3. I learned to forgive.  Not only others but I learned to forgive myself.  Holy CRAP!!! People aren't perfect?? This is so new and so AWESOME to find out!  It is ok to make mistakes and I'm going to love me and you through every one of them.  The most rewarding and humbling experience you can ever have is to forgive.  It is a complete game changer.  It allows me to make mistakes, genuinely say I'm sorry, and to make much needed corrections in my life.
4. I realized there was a purpose for every thing that happened in my life.  I am who I have become because of my strength and ability to overcome any situation.  Now, when something is happening that I don't agree with or can't understand, I take the time to find its purpose in my life.  I ask myself what is this giving me that I can grow with? I may not always like it and it can take a few days for me to be ok with it, but I always find a place of "okay."  I've never been a fan of saying that everything happens for a reason, but knowing that everything has its purpose is very comforting and makes the idea of going through any situation absolutely doable.

As I've said before, I started this whole thing because I want to help others... Truth be told, I wanted to help myself too.  Once I become the best possible ME, I can turn it out to the rest of the world.  The steps I've taken have not always been easy or right..  But hey....they have gotten me where I am today and I really like who I am now.  The only way to truly fix something is to study it, expose it, know how to either use it for a benefit and be rid of it when it is no longer necessary. Cures for any disease are found the exact same way and my emotions no longer make me sick.. They heal me!

For the record.. I did try to put the fan on to make my hair have the "flying effect".. Just because I can wear a cape does not make me a photographer but this serves its purpose. :)