Losing My Marriage to Find Myself; A Little Ditty About Forgiveness

 It's a New Year--- and boy do I see what a new me I have become... My life has changed so much in the last 12 years that I hardly even recognize myself sometimes.

I've got from a single college grad, to wife, mother, full time working mother.. Whoopsie!  Now a mother of 2.. CRASH.. Now a single mother of 2.. Then a scared and hateful woman with two children.... Then so poor I could barely afford Ramen mother of 2.. What was next? Single mother of two living with mom and dad with a dream that things would work the way I want them because I deserve them.  And I'm on the cusp of that dream


There were things in my life that I thought I'd never recover from.  One, of course, would be my divorce with two small children in tow.  I thought my life was over-- but I see it for what it is now-- It was a chance for my life to begin.  And begun it has.

Now, it's not the new year that has brought this to life for me....  It's the changes I've made through out the years.. Some physical, some mental ALL for the better-- even if they weren't at the time they were eventually... Well... and an unexpected Facebook message that came in the day after Christmas.

As my year was closing out for 2014, nothing became more apparent about how much I had changed when I received a message on Facebook from the woman my ex-husband had an affair with.  A woman I had met on a few occasions and I even tried to make friends with because I knew, at the time, my husband was fond of her and she was "helping with his business"... Little did I know at that time-- that business was in his pants.  I had a very strange feeling about the whole thing and eventually found hard evidence that they were both cheating on their spouses with each other... 

I am going to share with you the message I received and the reply that I'm having a  friend send because she blocked me as soon as she got to say her piece... .Well I had not, so I wanted to make sure I did-- not to hurt her what so ever-- but to allow HER some peace.  I could tell from her message, she has not found it completely and I wanted her to know that I forgive her and it was time to move on.



Her message--

I don’t know what’s more awkward than avoiding you at Wal Mart (yes I saw you) or you popping up on my newsfeed for some unknown reason. I know I am really sorry for all that happened. It’s been years but it’s something I want to apologize for. I’m sorry. (Ex-husband of mine) never said a bad thing about you and meeting him by chance was surreal. Years have gone by, I see the error of my ways. Changed so much for the last few years. I just want to apologize for everything. I never intended to hurt you. I promise you that. I just want to apologize for hurting you. The end.

Now, as I said-- I was not "allowed" to reply... I don't know if she had some fear that I may tear into her or if she thought she was out of line for writing me such things. It has been 8 years. I've had plenty of time to lick my wounds, they have healed and I am stronger for the entire situation...

So here is what I would like her to read.. and settle in.. because it's a long one.

(Woman whom I'll keep anonymous),
I am having a friend send this to you because you blocked me and did not allow me the chance to respond.  That is actually the only complaint I have about your letter.  I did not see you at Walmart (can’t even imagine what Walmart I would have seen you at)… and to be quite honest—I don’t think about you much.  The only times I do, it is actual with great thanks.  Had it not been for what happened between you and (ex-husband of mine), I would have never released myself of all the shit that came with being married to him.  

He is married to another woman he met while we were still married and at a point where we were getting along and I actually thought we were “working on things”… I do, however, get along with her great and she is a great step mom but I also know what she has to go through having him as a husband, so sometimes I feel a little sorry for her when the kids talk about their fights.  But hey—maybe it works for them—I just know that (ex-husband of mine) and I want WAY different things in our lives.  And I would rather my children be happy and have 2 happy homes to live in than 2 feuding households.

Even in recent conversations with (ex-husband of mine) he told me about how he was basically waiting to move to (a REALLY small and crappy town) and take over his parents’ home when they pass.  And we actually had a good laugh because there was no way in HELL I ever want to live out the rest of my days, #1 not allowing myself to live to my fullest potential while waiting on someone else’s fortune to become my own and #2—(Po-dunk Texas)?  Really?  You might as well lock me up in a box somewhere in the country and leave me to die because I don’t see much of a difference.

You see—when I “lost” him—I found myself.  It took a few years and a lot of struggle but once I released all of that, my life began to change for the better.  I do appreciate your apology because it was quite painful at the time.  My heart was broken and my family was torn apart—but it was inevitable.   Had it not been you, it would have been someone else. But now my kids get to have me as a real parent instead of whatever it was we had going on before.  (Yup, the Ex again)  and I work together on whatever is going on with the kids and we rarely argue anymore.  Plus, the kids get to experience 2 Christmas mornings—although we still do birthdays together. Also it allows me time to do the things I want to do on my own.

Without (that dude again), I have been able to take on career opportunities that I would not have allowed myself to choose before.  I’ve gained confidence, support and love that I never thought possible.  I’ve traveled to other countries.  I have found my worth.  And even though I had to go through hell to find my slice of heaven, I am grateful for my journey.  Would I do it again differently? I don’t really think about that because that’s just a waste of my thoughts, time and energy.  What happened is what happened.  It is what it is, as (him again) would have said then which I fucking hated that saying but see it for what it is now.

So, thanks for your apology.  I realize that you do have to deal with some guilt of the things that happened and hopefully you learn to let all that go as well.  Guilt is a far worse punishment than what I had to go through.  It can last for a lifetime if we don’t release it and will dictate our poor decisions in the future.  

The truth is-- We all make choices that will sometimes hurt another.  Some of that pain is conscious while some you don’t even realize will inflict pain on others.  While your choice was a conscious one, you were also under the impression that you were “in love” with him and that things would work out as they should.  I know it wasn’t  just me.. I know your husband had to have felt the pain and backlash of your actions as did my daughter who was old enough to remember.  My son, on the other hand, has never known what it was like to have both his parents in the same house.  He was only a year and does not recall it at all.  So to him—this is just as life has always been. But I do not put all the blame on you-- it was a 2 way street between you and (that guy I'm being nice enough not to mention his name) and you acted together in this." 

(Lady from the past)-- I am not a perfect person and I have knowingly hurt others in the past but I make a conscious decision now that I will not behave in that way anymore.  It’s called growing up, having respect for your fellow human being and having enough respect for myself to know the type of person I want to be.
 But if you were looking for closure or to know if your apology was received, we’ll say that it is now complete…. On both ends.  I hope you go in peace and live out the rest of your days with this experience behind you and not beside you because I know I am.

So there it is.. Laid out in all it's truth.... At least the truth as I see it.  I don't know that I'll ever actually send it to her or that she'll somehow accidentally cross my blog--- but either way, I think she deserves to hear it.  To know the consequences of her actions but most of all how it does not effect my life in such a way anymore.  

In some strange way, she'll always be a part of me-- she is a part of my history... a part of my past... But she does not live in my future.  She is something I've left behind me, not beside me.. And that is where that part of me will remain.  

I've picked up, I've moved one and I like what I see in my future.  I've been able to travel, I've gone on dates (one lately who is VERY promising but I'll just keep him to myself for this moment).. I've gone from making $400 a month to a monthly amount that passes all I've made the last two years. I really have no complaints! I hope, more than anything, that this empowers anyone reading this to know that life as it was does not have to be life as it is.... That you can come back from these things.  You can heal.  You can move on.  And more than anything-- life gets better if you allow it.  

Seriously though, unless we are born with the ability for selective amnesia, then we will never forget... It will always, in some way be in the back of your mind. Be it someone who brought it up by accident or someone on purpose-- but that someone will most likely not be you once you learn that to forgive and move on is the only way to live this life.