Letting Out the Truth and Moving Forward!

This is going to be a short one BUT I'm going to admit something HUGE to y'all that I couldn't even admit to myself until recently. I've been reaching out and telling more people as I slowly uncover what has been going on. And I realize that one of the reasons I couldn't admit it is because I try to play this game with myself that I let nothing bother me... I realize though-- I'm human-- and that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Sooo.. here she goes...For the last few months, I've allowed myself to slip into, what I considered to be, a deep depression. I was crying all the time, stopped working out, eating healthy or basically doing any of the the things that made me feel good-- anything that made me feel like I was advancing in life. I was not sleeping much and working myself into the ground. I felt like I had lost a grip on what was my path...

I let circumstances dictate my mood instead of thinking clearly about what I had to overcome in front of me. I let it defeat me. I was working harder but definitely not smarter. My brain was clouded by a lack of sleep, an overload of "WHAT THE HELLS?!" coming my way and I simply could not think to deal with them in the proper manner.

Over the last few weeks, as I've been reaching out to for an emotional hand to keep me from drowning-- I knew it was the ONLY way to get me out of this. I had to admit to myself AND others that I simply needed help. I've had SO many signs, offers and uplifting people bust into my bubble and give me the tools to say, "I can't do this for you-- but I can help!" And help they have.

So, as I put this out here-- I have no shame in the fact that I, Lindsay Duff, am starting over. But I'm not really "starting over".. I'm beginning again. I've got more knowledge under my belt than the last time I had to begin again. I've got people behind me to help push me through.. And I've got one thing I forgot I always had-- hope.

With that being said-- I'm heading out to my first REV (spin) class in months.. Pray for me that I don't keel over and die from the lack of care I've given this body over the last few months :) I'm confident with slow deep breaths (and all of your good thoughts) I'll make it out of the room alive-- I just may have to crawl over to the 2nd class I signed up for today!

Time to remember what keeps me in the zone... Forward focus instead of the thought that I am not good enough. Becoming more of the person I know I'm meant to be instead of trying to fold myself up into a tiny little box to make others happy. Time to simply begin again.

Tales From the Uber Side...

 GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!  I'll start with that simply because I've been using it in place of most of the cuss words I'd really like to put out there sometimes. I still cuss.. I'm not perfect. I don't apologize for it.  And sometimes-- an F-bomb fits better than any other word... Anywho---

Man-- I've got so much I want to write and so little brain power to remember it all to get it out there but as they say-- if you're gonna start, better start somewhere.

I did!!

So, what's been going on?  Well, I left the company I had been with for the last few years recently-- the middle of Jan.  The truth is---I simply stopped doing work for the company when my commissions were cut by way more than half-- which cut my will to work for said company to zero.  I really felt as though it back-tracked and made the statement that he "knew my worth and value" totally void.  And when I no longer feel appreciated in a place-- I remove myself from the situation.  

I decided to pick up Uber a few weeks before the "decline".  Also, if you've read my previous posts, I still don't know what's going on with my shark brain but we're leading towards endometriosis.. It will require more testing, which is more money than I can spend at the moment but I'll get there when the time is right.  Good thing is, right now, the waters are calm and the shark brain is chillin'.  I get pains and bleeding from time to time but the Ultrasound and the CT Scan came back completely normal.  Next is to get a scope and go all up in my junk to see what the heck is really going on... It will come in time.

Anyways!! Uber was GREAT at first and still isn't terrible-- which is not my ideal way of describing my way of making a living at the moment. There have just been some new "developments" that reminded me I wasn't working on my passion-- I've just been working on making money again..  I mean--the rodeo was in town which meant crazy surging prices and good money to be made for 3 weeks. But GOD BLESS AMERICA driving an average of 1500 miles a week can not only wear on a car but a person as well.  

I imagine this would be that dog's revenge..

Believe me... I've got some GREAT stories-- like the woman who told me she once peed on her dog to stop him from doing bad things in the house.  She said she watched some country dog whisperer show and the dude literally said, "Welp, if they ain't behavin'.. Ya gotta PEE on 'em to show 'em who's in charge."  So--- she said she put him in the bathtub, peed on him...then realized it wasn't the best of ideas because she just had a bigger mess to clean up after... She mentioned getting rid of the dog and that she wasn't really a dog person at this point-- Well no SHIT lady-- I mean GOD BLESS AMERICA LADY!  You don't go peeing on kids when they've drawn with magic marker on the carpet to make your point.  It's crazy that she took the advice-- but hey... I'm no judge...Although reflecting on this paragraph-- maybe I judged just a wee bit. She was, however, telling me this story completely sober.  So there was no shame in her game.

Now, obviously, I pick up a lot of really drunk people.  And believe it or not, some of them will impress you. So there was one drunk chick that I was SUPER proud of because, well,  she was a CHAMP!  She had to puke...but this chick--- she was a damn trooper. For real.  The girl had x-ray vision and could see right through me when I was picking her up. She was in the captain's chairs in the back with another chick and all of a sudden, I hear out of a nervous voice, "Uhhh... I think she needs to get out for a moment..."  I look back and this girl has a MOUTHFUL-- cheeks puffed out... a little funk hanging out... looking at me with total desperation in her eyes. I pulled over quick style, she got out.... and let loose.  She wasn't so "clean" about getting back in.  It was all over her clothes and in her hair but, miraculously, there was only a little bit in the car and her friends (chicks who didn't know her that well but REALLY didn't want her to go home by herself) got Clorox wipes from the house and made my car sparkle again.  Well, one did-- the other was inside convincing her not to sleep in her puke stained clothes.  Really- those girls are good peeps looking out for her that way.

NOT a pregnant stripper-- just the most impressive
pregnant belly I've ever seen. Had to share.

The next one that stands out was a crying and VERY drunk, ahem, "adult entertainer" who tried to say she was a bartender at first. Then, through the tears, ratted herself out saying that she not only did she not have a CLUE how to make a single drink, but she took her clothes off for money (her words). BUT the cherry on the pie was that she was 13 weeks pregnant.  She was going to have an abortion THAT DAY but her boyfriend, who wants to keep the baby, spent all the money on drugs so she couldn't get one.  She then went on to say that she was drunker than usual because no one had any "party favors" at work that night. I've only got 2, non-judgmental yet honest, words for this one-- Train. Wreck.

It's not all drunk shit-shows that get in my car.  I also pick up people like this one gentleman-- we spoke for a while-- found out he once lived in Sugar Land (where I reside)-- his kids went to the same elementary, jr. high and high school that I did.  Once they graduated, he moved to a very nice neighborhood in Houston because he had no reason to stay in Sugar Land.  His job, that he retired from 2 weeks prior, was there in the city.  He was so relaxed and chill that I had to ask what he left behind. To be honest, I was a little shocked to hear that he had been the Houston Chief of Police for the last 6 years and serving the city for 39.  He was happy.  He had just turned 61 years old and was not resigning due to a scandal nor leaving the force due to his own funeral.  He just knew it was time... aaand he was on his way with BEAUTIFUL roses to greet his girlfriend for her birthday.  Sounds like he made the perfect choice for himself!  And just so we're clear-- once I heard those words "Houston City Chief of Police"  I was a weeeee bit more conscious about my speed and using my blinker.  Not that he was going to write me a ticket or anything-- guess it was more of a "Pavlov" type thing.

Those 4 stories only scratch the surface.. Hell-- maybe I should start an Uber blog just to have a place to share all of the craziness-- At this moment, I've had 654 rides in my car, so believe me, I have a lot to share.  But for now, I'm about to hop in the driver's seat and make that money!  I'll be sure to keep y'all updated on the awesome craziness that I call--My Life

Just me and my ride! :)

Its All Sane in the Shark Brain... On to the Next Usual Suspect

UPDATE TIME!

Well, the ultrasound came back. It says that my lady parts are fit as a fiddle.. (whatever that really means.. because.. I mean.. how many people really fiddle in this day and age--- and no offense to those who do-- I just don't know a lot of fiddlers.. and I live in the South) The blood work says I'm most definitely not dying right now.  Although you wouldn't have thought I thought that through the entire process.  THANK GOD my bestie, who if you don 't recall is a nurse for a gynecological oncologist, went with me to the lady doctor appointment.  She knew I was going to have plenty of questions considering I had already sent her a screen shot of my blood work to "make sure that didn't mean I had cancer." . Now, mind you-- I have a little lingering hypochondriac-ism, if that's even a word,  from before I decided to take some control in my life--so I called her right after the ultrasound and the convo went a little like this.

Me: "Hey girl!  Uhh.. so had the ultrasound.. they used the outside thingy.. .. Then they pulled out a wand that would put any B.O.B. I've ever seen to shame and damn near poked me in the esophagus with it.  She pushed and poked and asked me to push in places that weren't too comfortable.. Is that normal??I mean-- does that mean something??"

Her:  "Yup... totally normal.. That thing has to be long so they can really GET UP IN THERE and make sure all of your parts are ok. Also, sometimes they have to push to get a good read. Just routine"

Me:  "Alright-- well, next they put the outside thingy (I'm so technical.. I know..) BACK on me and pushed and took more pictures--- Does THAT mean something??"

Her:  Yup-- perfectly normal to use the "outside thingy"  again after they've poked you from here to China.. Sometimes they need to get a better look at things.." 

Me:  Ok, sooooo then I got up and looked at the screen.. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LOOKED AT THE SCREEN!! THERE WAS A BIG RED CIRCLE ON THERE!! DOES THAT MEAN SOMETHING??"

Now, mind you-- at this point in the ultrasound-- I'm trying to convince the technician to let me change in there so I could get her out of there in order to investigate the photos myself. I mean.. There's a HUGE RED CIRCLE where my ovary should be. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??!! I MUST INVESTIGATE!!.......You know-- since automatically in my mind, at this point, I'm an expert an all at these things because they are MY things and I must investigate further.... 

Her: Who is now laughing at my hysteria of certain death awaiting me "Well--- since unltrasounds are in black and white, that means she drew the red circle on there and it was probably just for her... To size things up properly"

Can you see why she volunteered to join me at the next appointment? She figured she would intercept the barrage of questions and just be there with me-- and I don't know if she knows it-- but it meant the world to me to have her there.

Anyways-- to cut an already long story a wee bit shorter.  All was good in my shark hood, so he referred me to a GI doctor.  I luckily got in 2 days later.. The GI doctor asked a few questions and pushed on a few spots until I almost came out of my skin to determine that he thinks it might be my appendix and told me no more work outs until we have a cat-scan... 

Alrighty.. All I've ever heard about the appendix is about people needing to get it yanked out because they were on the brink of death.  I didn't feel like that then.. I don't feel like I'm about to die now.. but I DO feel about 50x's worse than the day I saw the doctor.  The last few days I feel as though I'm going from chills to sweats every 15 minutes.. anything I eat makes me want to hurl and the pain is starting to get worse...I'm fuzzy in the head... and since I wrote this have a low grade fever kicking on and off-- explains the chills/sweats thing.

Luckily though, I got the call yesterday that the insurance approved it, its going to be a butt load of money to get the cat-scan (I haven't mentioned that I am no longer employed with my company of 5 years as of last month but picked up Uber to cover as many bills as I can..just a little too foggy to drive the last few days.. believe me though-- I can't WAIT to tell you some of my Uber stories!) BUT I'm hoping that I will have answers very soon. Also, I had a physical this morning to go through everything, including my thyroid, kidneys, diabetes and a few other things in there that I don't recall-- If there's something wrong with this girl, WE ARE GOING TO FIND IT AND FIX IT!

I have plans to live a long, long, LONG life.  I have projects that I've started and I'm ready to pour myself into.  I have kids I want to see grow up.. and see their kids grow up.. and possibly even their kids grow up.  I have a lot more love to give, life to live, people to meet, places to see and just a lot of things left to do... So I'm going to get better.. and do them.----- I realize it sounds like I think I'm going to die and I don't-- but I'm human-- the what if's do cross my mind.


Anyways-- its just strange to have this mix of fear for what they "might" find. Excitement for what they will find so we can start working on the best route for it. And finally anticipations of "what's next?!" once I can fix it and move on to better things in my life.

Oh-- and one last thing-- I've learned that I think most people are assholes when I don't feel good.  I'm just going to go ahead and apologize in advance to ANYONE on the road, grocery store, doctors office, my family, my friends, passers by, random people on social media...you know-- the world- for not having the patience and peace of mind to accept that not everything is about me feeling bad....nor does everyone understand that I don't feel my best. And sorry if I gave you an ugly look..(or possibly even the finger when I thought you cut me off on the road) I just don't feel great right now.  But I am a healing in progress... and that road is loaded with a few crappy bumps that I'm ready to smooth over.

Its temporary :)

Getting My Shark Brain Looked at Today..

I haven't talked to a whole lot of people about this but today-- I'm going in for a long awaited ultrasound. Soooo...I'm getting my lady parts looked at-- otherwise known 'round these parts (and by these parts I mean something that makes my daughter and I laugh for hours) as "the shark brain". It occurred to me that I haven't really mentioned it to a whole lot of people about what's going on. I mean, I have in passing-- I've mentioned that things haven't been "right" for a while but when you try to stay positive with every aspect of your life--on the outside-- I don't think people really realize what might be taking place on the inside. I didn't want that to be the main focus of any of my conversations.. There were better things to talk about. Also, it doesn't just come up in an everyday conversation that your lady parts may not be up to par and there's just weird shit going on with them..

Also-- if I'm going to lay it all out there for you today--I may have even ignored some important signs because I just wanted to make enough good choices to make it go away. But I can't ignore them anymore and I've also taken the steps to know EXACTLY what is going on inside my body-- one of the places that is quite a mystery to me. Plus, when I feel like shit, no matter how much I wanted to say I was making good choice, I tend to make shit choices.

So here it goes--I've had some issues that have made me worry, frustrated, lethargic, curl up and cry over the pain, feel sick, lose motivation,.. has given me such mood swings that people probably wondered why I went from zero to bitch in 2.5 words....and another lovely side effect is that I bloat and I bleed about 23 days out of the month. I have an IUD-- I shouldn't be bleeding at all.

Now, people probably wonder what is wrong with me when I strive SO HARD to be as positive and motivational as possible. Truth is--I haven't communicated how much this has bothered me for something that has been going on close to a year now. I've tried to be super strong to really not let anyone know the extent that it wears on me.  

It has come and gone for so long now and in the beginning I thought it was just some weird "getting older" phase.. My last gyno said, "Hmm.. strange" when I told her about my symptoms and pain..never mentioned an ultrasound-- nothing By the time I got the courage up to do the right things (thanks to one of my besties since the 6th grade, who works for a gynecological oncologist and was riding my ass to get this done), my insurance had run out.

What did I do next? I went to the dark side, the "ultra-mega-evil doctors" (other wise known as lifesavers in my humble opinion) Planned Parenthood. They got me right in, they looked at my junk-- they told me I needed to get an ultrasound as soon as I possibly could and even recommended me to a doctor that would do it for practically next to nothing.

That was at the end of November and I started working right away on getting myself enrolled with some health insurance, getting in with a doctor and getting recommended to a gyno who will have my back by actually going the extra mile and not saying, "Hmm.. strange".. But, "Wow! I'm sorry you're going through this and we're going to work together to figure out how to make you feel better. Let's get you an ultrasound as quickly as possible and get you on the path to health!" That was a week ago and the ultrasound is today!! Never thought I'd be so excited to see what's going on in my body besides having babies in there-- but I am... I've been told ovarian cysts or fibroids may be what's the cause of everything but It feels like cysts rupturing over and over again as each week goes by. I'm not sure if that's an accurate description but I know how I feel.

I have to say-- when these feelings would take over my body before, I would give up on everything. I wouldn't work out or eat healthy.. I would feel so bad that I'd let EVERYTHING take a back seat. In December, I decided to renew my thinking about it, get back in to a healthy state of mind then let my body follow along naturally. And, go-figure-- when I work my body and eat to live-- I feel SO much better. The pain doesn't last as long and I feel mentally prepared for the events that are to come-- whatever they may be.

As a final note-- week from today, I'll be turning 39... I expect to look back a year from today with a smile and say, "DAMN GIRL!!! You've come a long way!! Just like you've done every year before!!" There's no better feeling in the world than reflecting over your last 39 years and seeing that, even though some days felt like they took over my entire life-- the year has been good to me because I believe that I'm in a better, healthier, happier and more loving place than I was the year before.  And whatever the events of the next few days, weeks or months might bring-- I'm not only ready to face them-- I'm ready to take them ON!

That, my friends, is living! Pure, unadulterated, living... I'm ready.. LET'S DO THIS!

Losing My Marriage to Find Myself; A Little Ditty About Forgiveness

 It's a New Year--- and boy do I see what a new me I have become... My life has changed so much in the last 12 years that I hardly even recognize myself sometimes.

I've got from a single college grad, to wife, mother, full time working mother.. Whoopsie!  Now a mother of 2.. CRASH.. Now a single mother of 2.. Then a scared and hateful woman with two children.... Then so poor I could barely afford Ramen mother of 2.. What was next? Single mother of two living with mom and dad with a dream that things would work the way I want them because I deserve them.  And I'm on the cusp of that dream


There were things in my life that I thought I'd never recover from.  One, of course, would be my divorce with two small children in tow.  I thought my life was over-- but I see it for what it is now-- It was a chance for my life to begin.  And begun it has.

Now, it's not the new year that has brought this to life for me....  It's the changes I've made through out the years.. Some physical, some mental ALL for the better-- even if they weren't at the time they were eventually... Well... and an unexpected Facebook message that came in the day after Christmas.

As my year was closing out for 2014, nothing became more apparent about how much I had changed when I received a message on Facebook from the woman my ex-husband had an affair with.  A woman I had met on a few occasions and I even tried to make friends with because I knew, at the time, my husband was fond of her and she was "helping with his business"... Little did I know at that time-- that business was in his pants.  I had a very strange feeling about the whole thing and eventually found hard evidence that they were both cheating on their spouses with each other... 

I am going to share with you the message I received and the reply that I'm having a  friend send because she blocked me as soon as she got to say her piece... .Well I had not, so I wanted to make sure I did-- not to hurt her what so ever-- but to allow HER some peace.  I could tell from her message, she has not found it completely and I wanted her to know that I forgive her and it was time to move on.



Her message--

I don’t know what’s more awkward than avoiding you at Wal Mart (yes I saw you) or you popping up on my newsfeed for some unknown reason. I know I am really sorry for all that happened. It’s been years but it’s something I want to apologize for. I’m sorry. (Ex-husband of mine) never said a bad thing about you and meeting him by chance was surreal. Years have gone by, I see the error of my ways. Changed so much for the last few years. I just want to apologize for everything. I never intended to hurt you. I promise you that. I just want to apologize for hurting you. The end.

Now, as I said-- I was not "allowed" to reply... I don't know if she had some fear that I may tear into her or if she thought she was out of line for writing me such things. It has been 8 years. I've had plenty of time to lick my wounds, they have healed and I am stronger for the entire situation...

So here is what I would like her to read.. and settle in.. because it's a long one.

(Woman whom I'll keep anonymous),
I am having a friend send this to you because you blocked me and did not allow me the chance to respond.  That is actually the only complaint I have about your letter.  I did not see you at Walmart (can’t even imagine what Walmart I would have seen you at)… and to be quite honest—I don’t think about you much.  The only times I do, it is actual with great thanks.  Had it not been for what happened between you and (ex-husband of mine), I would have never released myself of all the shit that came with being married to him.  

He is married to another woman he met while we were still married and at a point where we were getting along and I actually thought we were “working on things”… I do, however, get along with her great and she is a great step mom but I also know what she has to go through having him as a husband, so sometimes I feel a little sorry for her when the kids talk about their fights.  But hey—maybe it works for them—I just know that (ex-husband of mine) and I want WAY different things in our lives.  And I would rather my children be happy and have 2 happy homes to live in than 2 feuding households.

Even in recent conversations with (ex-husband of mine) he told me about how he was basically waiting to move to (a REALLY small and crappy town) and take over his parents’ home when they pass.  And we actually had a good laugh because there was no way in HELL I ever want to live out the rest of my days, #1 not allowing myself to live to my fullest potential while waiting on someone else’s fortune to become my own and #2—(Po-dunk Texas)?  Really?  You might as well lock me up in a box somewhere in the country and leave me to die because I don’t see much of a difference.

You see—when I “lost” him—I found myself.  It took a few years and a lot of struggle but once I released all of that, my life began to change for the better.  I do appreciate your apology because it was quite painful at the time.  My heart was broken and my family was torn apart—but it was inevitable.   Had it not been you, it would have been someone else. But now my kids get to have me as a real parent instead of whatever it was we had going on before.  (Yup, the Ex again)  and I work together on whatever is going on with the kids and we rarely argue anymore.  Plus, the kids get to experience 2 Christmas mornings—although we still do birthdays together. Also it allows me time to do the things I want to do on my own.

Without (that dude again), I have been able to take on career opportunities that I would not have allowed myself to choose before.  I’ve gained confidence, support and love that I never thought possible.  I’ve traveled to other countries.  I have found my worth.  And even though I had to go through hell to find my slice of heaven, I am grateful for my journey.  Would I do it again differently? I don’t really think about that because that’s just a waste of my thoughts, time and energy.  What happened is what happened.  It is what it is, as (him again) would have said then which I fucking hated that saying but see it for what it is now.

So, thanks for your apology.  I realize that you do have to deal with some guilt of the things that happened and hopefully you learn to let all that go as well.  Guilt is a far worse punishment than what I had to go through.  It can last for a lifetime if we don’t release it and will dictate our poor decisions in the future.  

The truth is-- We all make choices that will sometimes hurt another.  Some of that pain is conscious while some you don’t even realize will inflict pain on others.  While your choice was a conscious one, you were also under the impression that you were “in love” with him and that things would work out as they should.  I know it wasn’t  just me.. I know your husband had to have felt the pain and backlash of your actions as did my daughter who was old enough to remember.  My son, on the other hand, has never known what it was like to have both his parents in the same house.  He was only a year and does not recall it at all.  So to him—this is just as life has always been. But I do not put all the blame on you-- it was a 2 way street between you and (that guy I'm being nice enough not to mention his name) and you acted together in this." 

(Lady from the past)-- I am not a perfect person and I have knowingly hurt others in the past but I make a conscious decision now that I will not behave in that way anymore.  It’s called growing up, having respect for your fellow human being and having enough respect for myself to know the type of person I want to be.
 But if you were looking for closure or to know if your apology was received, we’ll say that it is now complete…. On both ends.  I hope you go in peace and live out the rest of your days with this experience behind you and not beside you because I know I am.

So there it is.. Laid out in all it's truth.... At least the truth as I see it.  I don't know that I'll ever actually send it to her or that she'll somehow accidentally cross my blog--- but either way, I think she deserves to hear it.  To know the consequences of her actions but most of all how it does not effect my life in such a way anymore.  

In some strange way, she'll always be a part of me-- she is a part of my history... a part of my past... But she does not live in my future.  She is something I've left behind me, not beside me.. And that is where that part of me will remain.  

I've picked up, I've moved one and I like what I see in my future.  I've been able to travel, I've gone on dates (one lately who is VERY promising but I'll just keep him to myself for this moment).. I've gone from making $400 a month to a monthly amount that passes all I've made the last two years. I really have no complaints! I hope, more than anything, that this empowers anyone reading this to know that life as it was does not have to be life as it is.... That you can come back from these things.  You can heal.  You can move on.  And more than anything-- life gets better if you allow it.  

Seriously though, unless we are born with the ability for selective amnesia, then we will never forget... It will always, in some way be in the back of your mind. Be it someone who brought it up by accident or someone on purpose-- but that someone will most likely not be you once you learn that to forgive and move on is the only way to live this life.

Today I Broke Up With My Nervous Break Down

Two more days.... Two more stinking days and I will be on a plane-- flying out to Colombia.  What most people don't know about me is that I've allowed flying to cause SEVER anxiety in my past.  Let's put it this way-- the last time I flew was in '06 and I went to Indiana.  From the time I got out of the car to the the time I boarded the plane, I lost my ticket 3 times.  Not once, not twice but THREE!

The first time, I ran in to the bathroom, riddled with fear, and I set all my luggage on the shelf behind the toilet.  What I failed to remember is that I left my boarding pass and drivers license up there as well.  When I pulled down my luggage, my boarding pass and id flew to the ground, unbeknownst to me.

As I'm watching my hands, I hear this soft, sweet, foreign voice, "Ma'am.. I believe you dropped your boarding pass."  I thanked her graciously and realized almost immediately that I did not have
my drivers license either... I crawled around the floor of that bathroom for 15 freaking minutes before I came to the realization that my foreign boarding pass angel was also a dirty, stinkin', licence thief. But that was after I had grabbed all of my things off the changing table-- walking out to find her in the hallway and leaving my pass behind once more.

After that, I came to the realization that I need to sit and chill for a bit... Collect my thoughts and stop freaking out so bad.  So I sat down with my carry on and my book.  After a bit I decided to get up to find out what the hell I was going to do with out my license.  I'd searched through everything as I was seated there and it was nowhere to be found.  I take about 30 steps and think to myself, "Uhhh.. where is my ticket??"  Of course-- I look back-- the book I had stuck it in was laying face down on the floor with the ticket falling out.  Yup!  That would be the THIRD time I lost that puppy.

Obviously, I survived the flight there.. I never died once while in Indiana and even though I had to go through bomb testing like I was a suspected terrorist to come home-- I made it home fully alive.  I had previous flights that had me on edge the whole way there-- or drunk the whole time so I didn't have to think about it.

So,  as this trip is nearing--  For the past few days-- I've been on "freak out mode"...  My heart has been heavily palpating, I've been short of breath and a little dizzy. I have been feeding the MESS out of my fears and I decided it was time to put a stop to it a few hours ago. It was like night and day when I chose to feed the "HOLY CRAP this is AWESOME!!" possibilities instead of the "How many ways can I die on this trip?" possibilities. 

The realization that I had to make it stop came to me as I was at a friend's house earlier... I was telling him how I was really anxious and all the fabulous symptoms I was having.  Of course, he did what any good friend would do and offered me a Xanex.  I politely declined. (I took 1/4 of one when I was having a nervous break down after my ex and I split.. .It was not pretty.. I couldn't even keep my eyes open the next day.. I would rather not experience that while I'm supposed to be on point).  

He said to me-- "This is what they were made for!!  To treat the symptoms of what you're going through.."  But I said-- "But I am the one creating these symptoms and I want to be the one to overcome them."    I left without the offered help but still with my heart racing like I'd just spun my little heart out for the last 20 minutes.. Minus all the awesome sweat that comes with it.

So I thought to myself as I was driving home.  "WHY?? Why are you so afraid??!!"  And it only took a matter of seconds to realize exactly why.  My thoughts were in the mindset that I was the same scared, clumsy and irresponsible person that had lost their ticket time and time again... Or the same person that had to drink enough to not remember the flight.  

But I'm not that person.  I'm the person who is on time, on point, clear headed, ready for action and even though I'm still a little scared about going into a country where I speak very little of the language-- all by myself-- (well until I meet up with some people)-- I'm started that very moment to look my fears in the face and say.... 

"Everything will be ok.  You will not die, You have so much left to live for--I mean-- you're not cashing out until you're like 103.  Your kids will be well taken care of while you are gone.  You are taking this trip because you deserve it and it was given to you for the same reason.  You are strong!  You are smart!  You will be FINE.  Not only fine but you will be FABULOUS because that is all you ever are!!  YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF HOW YOU FEEL! Yes-- you are scared but overcoming this fear will make you stronger than you can ever imagine.  This is how you lived your life before you felt this way and this is how you will continue to live it.  You are going to ROCK Colombia!!"

It may not have been in that order and I think I left out some of my self talk-- that I had out loud in the car on my drive home.... But the heart palpitations stopped.  Right then and there.  There was an ease that came over me that I hadn't experienced in days.  The switch was flipped because my mind was now on the right track.  I realized, for the first time in my life-- this fear was there to wake me UP not shut me down.

So-- just a few more day.. I'm starting to pack today. I've taken advice from everyone I know.  I've learned that I didn't have to fill up all the tiny bottles with liquid if I don't intend to have them in my carry on, the size of my carry on but most of all that I am control of myself, my thoughts and my ability to overcome anything I put my mind to!

So adios amigos!!  Hasta luego and all that other jazz I'm going to have to learn in a Spanish crash course on the plane... Maaaybe the wrong term to use there but you get me :)

Breaking Bones, Hating Jobs and Chillin' With The Easter Bunny!

Six years ago-- almost to the day-- I broke my right ankle.  I was on my lunch break while I was working for a "well to do" day trading company and I was simply going to pay my rent.  The office wasn't open, so I had drop the check off in the mail slot.  As I was leaving the place, I stepped off their lovely deck, located right next to a VERY busy freeway, missed one of the stepping stones, turned my ankle and it was all over with.

I spent the next 30 minutes rolling around in the grass.  This was the first time I had EVER broken a major bone.  I mean, I danced for 14 years, so I had broken all of my toes at one time.. but those you simply tape to the next toe and move on.  But this was MAJOR pain!

Of course, expecting it to be a routine trip, I left my phone in my car, so I had no form of communication and the landlord's office was closed for lunch.  I rolled around on the ground like a damn june bug stuck on it's back.  I finally go to the point where I could pull myself up to the deck of the office.  I could see a doorbell, so if I could just get to it--  I could hopefully get someone's attention inside.  But as I'm crawling up to it, a maintenance man walks out the door.

I am in tears and probably looked like I had just been assaulted because when he walked out I was begging him, "Please sir!! Please help me!!!! I am pretty sure I broke my ankle!!!"  He looks at me, without skipping a beat and says, "Oh.. I just thought you were out here enjoying the day on the deck!" Haha! Really?  Just chillin' on my landlord's deck-- next the the feeder road-- while cars are zooming down the freeway on a very busy lunch hour...

Well-- needless to say, he called an ambulance, we got a hold of my boss and off to the hospital I went.

So, while I was working for this lovely day trading company, they were working hard shoving the idea of being "zen and at peace" down our throats.  I was a highly miserable, newly single mom with a 2 and a 6 year old.  It was not going to be easy for me to reach the status they wanted me to over night and not sure how ANYONE could force it upon themselves, but they somehow thought it was going to happen.  We had to write weekly essays on assignments they gave us that would sort of push us in their idea of the right direction.  Aaaand when they found out about my predicament, I had to write 1000 words on "how I could have avoided the break"

Now-- I wrote things about how I could have been more careful about my steps.  How had I been looking down instead of forward I would have stepped correctly and possibly not miss the pole two feet in front of my face.  I wrote all kinds of things-- but that was NOT what he wanted.  He made me rewrite it not once, not twice, but 3 times because I refused to write that I was fat and I could have avoided the break had I lost weight.

Just me, my cart and The Easter Bunny on MY lap!

Yeah-- I just said that-- he wanted me to write about how I could have avoided the break by losing weight.  First off, the break happened and there was NO avoiding it at this time. It happened, there was no looking back and what was done, was done. Second, WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE telling me that MY perception of the incident was wrong?  Third, the man telling me to write this was about 150 pounds over weight and I thought he could have used a GOOD look in the mirror.  Fourth, I quit that job in a matter of weeks with my middle finger in the air and a smile on my face after getting bitched out, through a group Skype convo, for not doing one of our writing exercises correctly.  He was talking, talking, talking and I was packing my bags. This one called for you to "go on a walk and just be..."  I was NOT going on a walk with crutches so I drove it.  Driving it was not acceptable SOOO... I made the whole thing up.  I lied and lied and LIED through my teeth and I was totally fine with that because they made me rewrite that one as well.  I stopped him and told him in a choice amount of words that he could save his breath because I was OUT OF THERE!  It was the first, but not the last of jobs I quit because I knew I was worth so much more.

Needless to say, the job was one of the worst experiences of my life that had just been tacked on top of the other worst experience of my life at the time-- being that newly separated, single mom who was not able to get along with the father of her children at the time.  BUT I learned a lot.  I didn't learn what they wanted me to learn-- but it was exactly what I needed at the time.

I learned that I wouldn't take shit from someone who thought I would take it forever-- just to make a few bucks.  I learned that I could have fun with this, rode the cart at Walmart with pride and even submitted some of the pictures to People of Walmart.  I learned that I had thicker skin than I thought because WHEW were some of the POW comments on my picture were cruel.

The actual picture I submitted to POW

And I learned that I knew what I was doing.  I knew there were going to be comments that were hard to swallow.  I knew there would be a rough patch for quitting my job with nothing new in mind.  I knew there was something to this meditation, put your mind at ease stuff  but I also knew there was a better way to do it.  My way, on my terms and with true willingness to change in my heart.  I learned to love me, that I would break bones, that life didn't come with a redo, that I could take better care of myself, that my decisions were my own and no one would force me to say, think or feel any different.

And P.S.-- I have never seen happier women then when I came to pick up the free pictures that Walmart provided with the Easter Bunny... They literally said-- "IT IS YOU!!!! WE HAVE BEEN WAITING TO MEET YOU!!!" Yeah-- I know-- I'm a celebrity n' stuff!

A Motivated Mama, The Easter Bunny and Carpe the Hell Out of This Diem!