Its All Sane in the Shark Brain... On to the Next Usual Suspect

UPDATE TIME!

Well, the ultrasound came back. It says that my lady parts are fit as a fiddle.. (whatever that really means.. because.. I mean.. how many people really fiddle in this day and age--- and no offense to those who do-- I just don't know a lot of fiddlers.. and I live in the South) The blood work says I'm most definitely not dying right now.  Although you wouldn't have thought I thought that through the entire process.  THANK GOD my bestie, who if you don 't recall is a nurse for a gynecological oncologist, went with me to the lady doctor appointment.  She knew I was going to have plenty of questions considering I had already sent her a screen shot of my blood work to "make sure that didn't mean I had cancer." . Now, mind you-- I have a little lingering hypochondriac-ism, if that's even a word,  from before I decided to take some control in my life--so I called her right after the ultrasound and the convo went a little like this.

Me: "Hey girl!  Uhh.. so had the ultrasound.. they used the outside thingy.. .. Then they pulled out a wand that would put any B.O.B. I've ever seen to shame and damn near poked me in the esophagus with it.  She pushed and poked and asked me to push in places that weren't too comfortable.. Is that normal??I mean-- does that mean something??"

Her:  "Yup... totally normal.. That thing has to be long so they can really GET UP IN THERE and make sure all of your parts are ok. Also, sometimes they have to push to get a good read. Just routine"

Me:  "Alright-- well, next they put the outside thingy (I'm so technical.. I know..) BACK on me and pushed and took more pictures--- Does THAT mean something??"

Her:  Yup-- perfectly normal to use the "outside thingy"  again after they've poked you from here to China.. Sometimes they need to get a better look at things.." 

Me:  Ok, sooooo then I got up and looked at the screen.. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LOOKED AT THE SCREEN!! THERE WAS A BIG RED CIRCLE ON THERE!! DOES THAT MEAN SOMETHING??"

Now, mind you-- at this point in the ultrasound-- I'm trying to convince the technician to let me change in there so I could get her out of there in order to investigate the photos myself. I mean.. There's a HUGE RED CIRCLE where my ovary should be. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??!! I MUST INVESTIGATE!!.......You know-- since automatically in my mind, at this point, I'm an expert an all at these things because they are MY things and I must investigate further.... 

Her: Who is now laughing at my hysteria of certain death awaiting me "Well--- since unltrasounds are in black and white, that means she drew the red circle on there and it was probably just for her... To size things up properly"

Can you see why she volunteered to join me at the next appointment? She figured she would intercept the barrage of questions and just be there with me-- and I don't know if she knows it-- but it meant the world to me to have her there.

Anyways-- to cut an already long story a wee bit shorter.  All was good in my shark hood, so he referred me to a GI doctor.  I luckily got in 2 days later.. The GI doctor asked a few questions and pushed on a few spots until I almost came out of my skin to determine that he thinks it might be my appendix and told me no more work outs until we have a cat-scan... 

Alrighty.. All I've ever heard about the appendix is about people needing to get it yanked out because they were on the brink of death.  I didn't feel like that then.. I don't feel like I'm about to die now.. but I DO feel about 50x's worse than the day I saw the doctor.  The last few days I feel as though I'm going from chills to sweats every 15 minutes.. anything I eat makes me want to hurl and the pain is starting to get worse...I'm fuzzy in the head... and since I wrote this have a low grade fever kicking on and off-- explains the chills/sweats thing.

Luckily though, I got the call yesterday that the insurance approved it, its going to be a butt load of money to get the cat-scan (I haven't mentioned that I am no longer employed with my company of 5 years as of last month but picked up Uber to cover as many bills as I can..just a little too foggy to drive the last few days.. believe me though-- I can't WAIT to tell you some of my Uber stories!) BUT I'm hoping that I will have answers very soon. Also, I had a physical this morning to go through everything, including my thyroid, kidneys, diabetes and a few other things in there that I don't recall-- If there's something wrong with this girl, WE ARE GOING TO FIND IT AND FIX IT!

I have plans to live a long, long, LONG life.  I have projects that I've started and I'm ready to pour myself into.  I have kids I want to see grow up.. and see their kids grow up.. and possibly even their kids grow up.  I have a lot more love to give, life to live, people to meet, places to see and just a lot of things left to do... So I'm going to get better.. and do them.----- I realize it sounds like I think I'm going to die and I don't-- but I'm human-- the what if's do cross my mind.


Anyways-- its just strange to have this mix of fear for what they "might" find. Excitement for what they will find so we can start working on the best route for it. And finally anticipations of "what's next?!" once I can fix it and move on to better things in my life.

Oh-- and one last thing-- I've learned that I think most people are assholes when I don't feel good.  I'm just going to go ahead and apologize in advance to ANYONE on the road, grocery store, doctors office, my family, my friends, passers by, random people on social media...you know-- the world- for not having the patience and peace of mind to accept that not everything is about me feeling bad....nor does everyone understand that I don't feel my best. And sorry if I gave you an ugly look..(or possibly even the finger when I thought you cut me off on the road) I just don't feel great right now.  But I am a healing in progress... and that road is loaded with a few crappy bumps that I'm ready to smooth over.

Its temporary :)

Getting My Shark Brain Looked at Today..

I haven't talked to a whole lot of people about this but today-- I'm going in for a long awaited ultrasound. Soooo...I'm getting my lady parts looked at-- otherwise known 'round these parts (and by these parts I mean something that makes my daughter and I laugh for hours) as "the shark brain". It occurred to me that I haven't really mentioned it to a whole lot of people about what's going on. I mean, I have in passing-- I've mentioned that things haven't been "right" for a while but when you try to stay positive with every aspect of your life--on the outside-- I don't think people really realize what might be taking place on the inside. I didn't want that to be the main focus of any of my conversations.. There were better things to talk about. Also, it doesn't just come up in an everyday conversation that your lady parts may not be up to par and there's just weird shit going on with them..

Also-- if I'm going to lay it all out there for you today--I may have even ignored some important signs because I just wanted to make enough good choices to make it go away. But I can't ignore them anymore and I've also taken the steps to know EXACTLY what is going on inside my body-- one of the places that is quite a mystery to me. Plus, when I feel like shit, no matter how much I wanted to say I was making good choice, I tend to make shit choices.

So here it goes--I've had some issues that have made me worry, frustrated, lethargic, curl up and cry over the pain, feel sick, lose motivation,.. has given me such mood swings that people probably wondered why I went from zero to bitch in 2.5 words....and another lovely side effect is that I bloat and I bleed about 23 days out of the month. I have an IUD-- I shouldn't be bleeding at all.

Now, people probably wonder what is wrong with me when I strive SO HARD to be as positive and motivational as possible. Truth is--I haven't communicated how much this has bothered me for something that has been going on close to a year now. I've tried to be super strong to really not let anyone know the extent that it wears on me.  

It has come and gone for so long now and in the beginning I thought it was just some weird "getting older" phase.. My last gyno said, "Hmm.. strange" when I told her about my symptoms and pain..never mentioned an ultrasound-- nothing By the time I got the courage up to do the right things (thanks to one of my besties since the 6th grade, who works for a gynecological oncologist and was riding my ass to get this done), my insurance had run out.

What did I do next? I went to the dark side, the "ultra-mega-evil doctors" (other wise known as lifesavers in my humble opinion) Planned Parenthood. They got me right in, they looked at my junk-- they told me I needed to get an ultrasound as soon as I possibly could and even recommended me to a doctor that would do it for practically next to nothing.

That was at the end of November and I started working right away on getting myself enrolled with some health insurance, getting in with a doctor and getting recommended to a gyno who will have my back by actually going the extra mile and not saying, "Hmm.. strange".. But, "Wow! I'm sorry you're going through this and we're going to work together to figure out how to make you feel better. Let's get you an ultrasound as quickly as possible and get you on the path to health!" That was a week ago and the ultrasound is today!! Never thought I'd be so excited to see what's going on in my body besides having babies in there-- but I am... I've been told ovarian cysts or fibroids may be what's the cause of everything but It feels like cysts rupturing over and over again as each week goes by. I'm not sure if that's an accurate description but I know how I feel.

I have to say-- when these feelings would take over my body before, I would give up on everything. I wouldn't work out or eat healthy.. I would feel so bad that I'd let EVERYTHING take a back seat. In December, I decided to renew my thinking about it, get back in to a healthy state of mind then let my body follow along naturally. And, go-figure-- when I work my body and eat to live-- I feel SO much better. The pain doesn't last as long and I feel mentally prepared for the events that are to come-- whatever they may be.

As a final note-- week from today, I'll be turning 39... I expect to look back a year from today with a smile and say, "DAMN GIRL!!! You've come a long way!! Just like you've done every year before!!" There's no better feeling in the world than reflecting over your last 39 years and seeing that, even though some days felt like they took over my entire life-- the year has been good to me because I believe that I'm in a better, healthier, happier and more loving place than I was the year before.  And whatever the events of the next few days, weeks or months might bring-- I'm not only ready to face them-- I'm ready to take them ON!

That, my friends, is living! Pure, unadulterated, living... I'm ready.. LET'S DO THIS!